Recently, a woman in Seattle named Babylonia Aivaz decided to marry an old warehouse to keep it from being demolished. While this seemed like a wacky idea to me at first, she made a really good point. She said: “If corporations can have the same rights as people, so can buildings.”
She’s right—it’s only logical! And now she’s got me plotting. Is there a way for me to get married to a multi-million-dollar corporation? This would pretty much solve…well…ALL of my problems. But how do you do it? Do I send in an application like I would for a job? Do I have to wait for a corporation to propose? (I’m assuming the corporation buys the diamond ring, because…I mean, c’mon.) Then again, what proof does anyone have that a company hasn’t proposed to me already? How did Babylonia know that the warehouse wanted to be married to her? Communicating with inanimate entities requires a little bit of telepathy.
There will be a few complications to be resolved. The biggest issue, of course, is that I already have a boyfriend. To make matters worse, he’s quite wonderful, so I don’t exactly want to give him up. No worries, though! If we have learned anything about the romantic habits of capitalism, it is that a corporation will have no problem with an open relationship.
Then there is the whole “traditional marriage” concept. Those of us who believe in marriage equality have had difficulty just trying to persuade the paragons of morality who dwell in our midst to allow unions between two consenting adults. Public referendums about gay marriage have gone down in defeat. So what chances does an even more unconventional idea like mine have? Actually, they’re not bad. Since the Supreme Court decided that corporations are people in the Citizens United case, I have not heard about any referendums or votes overturning this verdict. The road to full personhood with all its rights appears much smoother for a corporation than for a gay person.
Also, the people most opposed to changing the institution of marriage—conservatives—are head over heels in love with corporations. The Republicans in Congress (and, let’s face it, many of the Democrats as well) are practically married to them already. There’s probably no room left for me, but I might as well try. First, I need to choose a suitable marriage partner. I’m an internet junkie, so an online company like Google or Facebook would be nice. I’m thinking Facebook, since I already spend a large portion of my day with him/her.
So there it is. Time to go ask a corporation out for a date. Wish me luck. Above all, wish me a Kardashian-like speedy divorce—because that’s when the big money starts rolling in.