Dear Portland…our relationship has been difficult lately.
There was the time when we went for a gallery walk on First Thursday and none of the art galleries were open, because it turns out you shut everything down super early. The same thing happened when my friends and I decided to go out on a Wednesday evening. The night was still young, but you were a ghost town. As my mother so aptly put it, “Portlanders go to bed with the chickens…except that here, the chickens are wearing hand-knitted sweaters.” Portland, you’re a city. Part of the deal is that you’re supposed to entertain me after it gets dark.
And do I even have to bring up Cover Oregon? You had such big plans–our health insurance exchange was going to be the most ambitious in the country. Obviously, it did not work out that way. It’s embarrassing when Kentucky does a better job at socialist health care than we do. And now, the FBI might be investigating Cover Oregon to see where all that money went. Portland, please leave corruption to the big boys like Chicago. You are inept at it.
But in spite of it all, I still love you. Even though you try way too hard to impress me with your weirdness–were the bearded men in tutus really necessary? Even though you’re not very wealthy, not very good at sports or business. Every time I think about walking away into the arms of New York City, I end up staying. You’re just so damn pretty and intelligent. And like you, I’m a failing dreamer. Yeah, we’re stuck with each other. I’m even willing to forgive you for that Unipiper guy.
Like any long-time lover in a worn relationship, all I ask for anymore are the simple things. Please, would you give me sunny weather for my week off? I know late May is when you bring back the rain, but will you make an exception for me? I won’t complain when it rains in June, I promise. I’ll post pictures of you on my Facebook and talk about how beautiful you are. I know how much you like being flattered.
P.S. — I’m also planning to see an art exhibit this Sunday. I’m sure it will be empty and closed.