June 2014


Conservatives are not opposed to contraception.  They’re fine with me using contraceptives, as much as I want to.  They just don’t want to have to pay for them, either with their tax money or increased insurance premiums or whatnot.  But as long as I’m paying for them myself, it’s all good.  Or so they tell me.  Because they’re all about freedom for everybody.

So then why does every conservative rant about insurance coverage of contraception inevitably end with the suggestion that I shouldn’t be having sex?  There was Foster Friess joking that I should stick an aspirin bottle between my knees, the way the good girls used to in his day.  I’ve listened to endless talk radio hosts discussing this issue and somehow, it always comes down to “What about just being abstinent?”  Sure, I guess that’s an option–it’s not as if I need to enjoy my life.  While I’m at it, I could also spend my free time flogging myself for my many sins, but I think that custom is as passe as celibacy.  It also doesn’t help that the guys promoting virtuous behavior get caught trying to pick up men in airport bathroom stalls.

There’s an answer to all of our problems, an answer which can bridge our partisan divide, and that answer is oral sex.  Both liberals and conservatives love it.  It will not cause an abortion, it will not have to be paid by anyone else’s insurance premium, and it doesn’t give me the horrible side effects of the pill.  It can be gay or straight.  If one so wishes, it can take place within the bounds of a traditional religious marriage.  It might keep Catholic couples from trying to use that silly calendar method.  It’s an experience of pure beauty and ecstasy, and it unites all of us, no matter who we are, in that one happy moment of orgasm.

So if conservative talking heads wanted to prove to us that they are not, in fact, prudish killjoys, they would promote oral sex.  Instead of advising women “Maybe you should stop having a love life,” how about “Find a boyfriend who will give you head.”  But they will never say that, because contrary to what they claim, they are uncomfortable with women enjoying their sexuality.  Deep inside, they’re still stuck on the idea that sex for women is only okay if the goal is baby-making.

But I’m always open to the idea that I could be wrong.  It’s possible–Tea Party Patriots For Head can happen!  It could be the most powerful pro-life movement of our new century.  And it’s one Tea Party organization that I would be glad to join.

This week, Rush gleefully reported on a study which seems to show that, as the headline on his website proclaims, “The Ugly Support Liberal Causes”.  Naturally, Rush believes that this is proof that liberal causes attract losers.  Since, you know, physical attractiveness is the ultimate measure of one’s worth.  Here I thought conservatives touted themselves as the ones who base their lives on deeper spiritual values, but I guess those values go no deeper than the skin.

The study was conducted at Stanford University and the results indicated that those who think of themselves as unattractive were more likely to be willing to give a donation to Occupy Wall Street.  Ah, people who support Occupy have lower self-esteem, right?  Well, here’s the interesting part of the study Rush didn’t talk about–those who think of themselves as physically attractive also think that they belong to an elite social class–whether or not that’s actually the case.  So it might be that those who see themselves as beautiful are in fact…delusional.  They might be like the working class schlubs who vote Republican because they have a firm conviction that they, too, will strike it rich one day.  Hey, they don’t need to worry about the social problems Occupy wrestles with, because they know they are gorgeous and successful–or at least imagine that they are.

As for Rush, the unattractive have been a topic of his for a long time now.  He has often claimed a link between unattractiveness and liberalism, and is quite proud of himself for doing so.  Poor Rush–he’s still in middle school.  He thinks that if he keeps bashing the other uncool kids, he will become one of the beautiful people himself.  Obviously, money and fame can’t buy you a sense of emotional security.

So here goes from the ugly liberal to the ugly conservative–Rush, you’ll always be one of us.  You can’t get away from that.  Stop picking on your own tribe.

Ironically, right after I posted my gun conspiracy blog, we had our very own local school shooting here in the Portland metro area.  A high school freshman who was armed to the teeth entered Reynolds High School in Troutdale, OR, killed a fellow student and wounded a teacher and then, once he realized police were entering the school, shot himself.

What scared me just as much as the event itself was my reaction to it.  I held my breath in horror as I listened to the breaking news coming in on my radio at work.  But then, as I learned the extent of the shooting, I breathed a sigh of relief.  “Oh good.  Only two people dead.”  I caught my own reaction and was horrified all over again.  This is how used I’ve become to a world of spectacular acts of violence.  I expect to hear of 20, 30 dead–otherwise it’s not as big of a deal.  These are two individuals gone, one because of a random attack, the other seemingly because of mental illness.  Their families are grieving, the teenage boys won’t get a future, but hey, this was only a “small” shooting.

I can’t say that I really have good answers to any of the questions here.  Guns are a part of the problem, but only one part.  Clearly something inside of the kids leads them to feel that taking multiple lives is an acceptable response to the situation they’re in.  Something is broken there, but I don’t know how it can be fixed.  But regardless of what we think the solution is, the one thing I do know is that we cannot allow ourselves to get used to these shootings.  We can’t let them become a normal part of our daily life–although perhaps we already have.

A scary story in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, where a loaded gun was found sitting in a box in the toy aisle of a Target store.  The police report states that a suspicious man was stalking up and down the aisles of the store, and he was likely the one who left the weapon behind.  The Myrtle Beach police are currently seeking the last registered owner of the gun for questioning.

This story has now started making the rounds on social media, and naturally, the blame is being placed on…those who support gun control.  Yep.  The reposts of the story are filled with outrage about how low the “gun control fanatics” will stoop.  Because, you know, it’s obvious that the gun was planted on purpose so that a child would shoot itself or someone else, and so that guns could be blamed and more oppressive gun restrictions could be passed.

I can think of a lot of reasons why a mentally unbalanced or criminal person might leave a gun in that store.  Most likely, the gun was stolen, and this was a convenient place to try to hide it, since it would blend in with the toy guns.  The Target worker who found the gun stated that he did not realize it was a real gun until closer examination, so this makes sense.  Or perhaps there was mental illness involved, the sort of mental illness that would consider this a fun prank or a satisfying way to find revenge against humankind.

But once you start saying that a pro-gun control person left it there on purpose, you start veering into conspiracy theory territory.  And once you veer into the territory of strange theories, you have to offer evidence that what you’re talking about might be true.  So far there is no proof whatsoever of the “gun control fanatics!!!” side of the story.  And the people I know who support gun control want less gun violence, not more, so they would never resort to these kinds of tactics.  It will be interesting to see what emerges from this incident.

Holy Ronald the Great, patron saint of laissez faire capitalism, help us preserve our conservative faith.  Help us remember what we believe in.

Save us from unrestrained government spending and the temptation to raise taxes.  Sure, you ran deficits and raised taxes, but you did it to defend us from the anti-American enemy.  And anything done to defend us from the anti-American enemy is sacred in our eyes, amen.

May your spirit inspire us to appear patriotic.  For we know that we will fall short of the glory of real patriotism in our deeds, but the virtue of appearing patriotic will redeem us.  Yea, our Democratic opponents will be accused of weakness when they walk the road of diplomacy, but we will be able to trade arms for hostages and still call ourselves true patriots for all eternity.

Rescue us from division and splintering, from multiple factions and an abundance of primary candidates.  Grant us unity, and do not permit us to have any doubts about our platform, nor to listen to deceitful suggestions that we should change it.  With your aid, we will live our lives in your image–with a cheerful indifference to the facts, joking about the things which we do not understand, knowing we will be right no matter what.

Above all else, we are gathered here in your name to worship and praise that most holy of holies, the Almighty Dollar.  May it ever increase and multiply.  Even as we are broke and struggling and crushed by the heel of great corporations, we remain steadfast in our belief that one day, you will bestow upon us the blessings of wealth, just as you have upon your other servants who tell us to vote Republican.  So we say, let the wealthy remain wealthy, today and tomorrow, now and forever, wealth without end.  Amen.

Perhaps those who don’t believe in evolution are right after all…we don’t seem to have evolved very far.

Yesterday, a mannequin wearing an Obama mask was found hanging from a Missouri bridge.  Yep–yet more racially suggestive attacks on this President.  I thought at some point this kind of stuff would end, but I guess it doesn’t.  (Thanks to Xena’s blog for tipping me off about this lovely incident.)

So it is clear that dinosaurs still walk among us, shuffling and stomping and grunting.  I don’t know if those are the same dinosaurs Jesus liked to take rides on back in His day, but they are certainly backwards enough.  If people who think like this can continue to exist on this planet, then the idea of Earth being only a few thousand years old suddenly doesn’t sound so crazy anymore.  Creationists, I have to give it to you–I may have been wrong all along.

It’s fine if you passionately disagree with this President’s policies.  I don’t agree with some of his policies, either.  But if I have to explain to you why something like this is in bad taste, then you just don’t get it…and you might be a species that’s going extinct.