Holy Ronald the Great, patron saint of laissez faire capitalism, help us preserve our conservative faith. Help us remember what we believe in.
Save us from unrestrained government spending and the temptation to raise taxes. Sure, you ran deficits and raised taxes, but you did it to defend us from the anti-American enemy. And anything done to defend us from the anti-American enemy is sacred in our eyes, amen.
May your spirit inspire us to appear patriotic. For we know that we will fall short of the glory of real patriotism in our deeds, but the virtue of appearing patriotic will redeem us. Yea, our Democratic opponents will be accused of weakness when they walk the road of diplomacy, but we will be able to trade arms for hostages and still call ourselves true patriots for all eternity.
Rescue us from division and splintering, from multiple factions and an abundance of primary candidates. Grant us unity, and do not permit us to have any doubts about our platform, nor to listen to deceitful suggestions that we should change it. With your aid, we will live our lives in your image–with a cheerful indifference to the facts, joking about the things which we do not understand, knowing we will be right no matter what.
Above all else, we are gathered here in your name to worship and praise that most holy of holies, the Almighty Dollar. May it ever increase and multiply. Even as we are broke and struggling and crushed by the heel of great corporations, we remain steadfast in our belief that one day, you will bestow upon us the blessings of wealth, just as you have upon your other servants who tell us to vote Republican. So we say, let the wealthy remain wealthy, today and tomorrow, now and forever, wealth without end. Amen.