Conservatives are not opposed to contraception. They’re fine with me using contraceptives, as much as I want to. They just don’t want to have to pay for them, either with their tax money or increased insurance premiums or whatnot. But as long as I’m paying for them myself, it’s all good. Or so they tell me. Because they’re all about freedom for everybody.
So then why does every conservative rant about insurance coverage of contraception inevitably end with the suggestion that I shouldn’t be having sex? There was Foster Friess joking that I should stick an aspirin bottle between my knees, the way the good girls used to in his day. I’ve listened to endless talk radio hosts discussing this issue and somehow, it always comes down to “What about just being abstinent?” Sure, I guess that’s an option–it’s not as if I need to enjoy my life. While I’m at it, I could also spend my free time flogging myself for my many sins, but I think that custom is as passe as celibacy. It also doesn’t help that the guys promoting virtuous behavior get caught trying to pick up men in airport bathroom stalls.
There’s an answer to all of our problems, an answer which can bridge our partisan divide, and that answer is oral sex. Both liberals and conservatives love it. It will not cause an abortion, it will not have to be paid by anyone else’s insurance premium, and it doesn’t give me the horrible side effects of the pill. It can be gay or straight. If one so wishes, it can take place within the bounds of a traditional religious marriage. It might keep Catholic couples from trying to use that silly calendar method. It’s an experience of pure beauty and ecstasy, and it unites all of us, no matter who we are, in that one happy moment of orgasm.
So if conservative talking heads wanted to prove to us that they are not, in fact, prudish killjoys, they would promote oral sex. Instead of advising women “Maybe you should stop having a love life,” how about “Find a boyfriend who will give you head.” But they will never say that, because contrary to what they claim, they are uncomfortable with women enjoying their sexuality. Deep inside, they’re still stuck on the idea that sex for women is only okay if the goal is baby-making.
But I’m always open to the idea that I could be wrong. It’s possible–Tea Party Patriots For Head can happen! It could be the most powerful pro-life movement of our new century. And it’s one Tea Party organization that I would be glad to join.