Here’s how a workplace conversation went for me a few months ago:
“Hey, what’s that? Oh…a book about the Warsaw Ghetto?”
“Um…yeah. You know, just a little light summer reading.”
“Why? Is it because you broke up with your boyfriend? Are you depressed?”
Lately, I’ve been on a reading binge about the history of my native country, Poland. I was only eleven when I left, so I’ve never examined Polish history with adult eyes. Yes, that means reading about World War II and the Holocaust. Yes, these are dark subjects. But life can be dark. Part of understanding myself is understanding where I come from, and my psyche comes from the sick and twisted European continent of the twentieth century, with its totalitarian regimes and its spilled blood. There’s no getting away from that.
However, I find myself becoming self-conscious about how everyone else might view me as I lug around these stories of doom. Will they indeed think I’m depressed? Crazy? Emotionally unstable? Now I only pull my books out of my backpack when the lunchroom is relatively empty, and I don’t spot anyone I know nearby. To my dismay, I’ve realized that I would be a lot less embarrassed if I was caught reading a cheesy romance novel, because at least that would be considered normal. A romance novel wouldn’t get me suspicious looks.
Or worse. On a recent train ride to work, I was reading Architects of Annihilation by Gotz Aly, a truly chilling work which examines how Nazi technocrats decided that killing millions of people was justified, based on perfectly “rational” economic policy. The cover design of the book includes a swastika–and this prompted the guy across from me to lean in and enthusiastically explain to me how much he admired Hitler. I literally wanted to crawl under my seat. He finished his tribute with: “And you know what I really love about him? His brutality. He knew that sometimes you have to resolve things in an ugly way, man.”
At this point, his girlfriend hastily shushed him and pulled him off the train. The girlfriend was comical in her own right. She was clearly mortified that he was saying all these things in public, yet had no problem being with a guy who gets a hard-on from the Fuhrer’s brutality in the first place. All of a sudden, the fact that Charles Manson is getting married was no longer such a mystery to me.
Anyway, I’ve come up with a solution to help me continue my history studies with minimum trouble. I’m going to make a fake cover to wrap my library books in, preferably one with a picture of a buff Fabio on it. That way, everyone can breathe easy and assume that I’m having happy fantasies about my future boyfriend. And with not a single serious thought in my head, as it should be.
eurobrat 
12/09/2014 at 3:53 am
You stop that right now. No covering books and hiding your interests. It’s called freedom of speech. Just send them to my office. Train guy is a loser a Jackass. Had I been on the train I would have said, “That’s why they left you behind.” To remind the world it can be an ugly place.
12/09/2014 at 8:25 pm
To be fair, I’m not likely to actually make that fake book cover, not least because I think Fabio is completely ridiculous 😉 But I guess I don’t want my co-workers to think I’m the gloomiest person on the planet. I’m not gloomy, I just want to know about the world I live in, and that world’s history. Warts and all.
I will also confess that I was a coward and didn’t argue too hard with the guy on the train, because he was the toothless drug addict type and looked like he might punch me if the debate got too heated…
12/09/2014 at 9:42 pm
Cowardice is safe, sometimes, darling. Stay safe, and keep reading.
12/10/2014 at 8:11 pm
Agreed. I’d rather live another day to write a blog about that idiot instead.
12/09/2014 at 9:28 am
No covering books and hiding your interests. It’s called freedom of speech.”
Free domes of peaches?
No, that’s not it….Ohhh I got it! “Freedom of speech” A cell phone plan that gives you the ability to talk for unlimited hours, so you never have to let go of your phone. Ok, that’s something your average person could understand. I was worried you was talking about some highfalutin, “inteeelectual” thingie that literally no ‘merican gives a crap about no more.
You book learnin’ types is just a whole ‘nother species. Just gives the rest of us a few fancy toys to play withs and we’s fine!
12/09/2014 at 8:26 pm
On the other hand, I would love some free domes of peaches. Sounds delicious.
12/09/2014 at 9:34 am
Better be prepared to talk about the “book” then, what it’s all about and why you love it!! 🙂
12/09/2014 at 8:28 pm
See, and this is where I would fail. Much easier for me to explain (in mind-numbing detail!) why I find Architects of Annihilation so fascinating…than to come up with a reason for why I would want to read a bodice-buster…
12/11/2014 at 1:42 pm
So which parts of the Annihilation book were so fascinating? I’m curious!
12/13/2014 at 6:14 am
Yes, I certainly can! Sorry about the delayed response–we had a winter storm come through, and my Internet access at home is still down.
This book doesn’t focus so much on Hitler himself or on his henchmen, but more on the “middle managers”, so to speak, of the Nazi regime. These were technocrats of sorts, who tried to reorganize Europe based on their own abstract theories of economics and population. Their plans were based not so much on irrational racial hatred, but on what seemed like “rational” economic ideas. Which makes it even scarier, because I can easily picture someone today making logical arguments for getting rid of this or that “surplus” population.
Had the Germans not lost the war, these guys had waves of further extensive genocides planned.
So there you go. My ability to communicate is limited right now, but I hope this gives you an idea of why I’m engrossed in this book 😉
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12/13/2014 at 11:03 am
Hah. This all makes a lot of sense in terms of the rationale for their agendas. In some ways “emotional racism” won’t square that well with the logic and reason of the Germans.. Non-human economic thinking squares perfectly fine. Economically less productive population groups should be removed and replaced. Like math.
And the point about the Jewish genocide as a means to removing a strong economic group rather than a result of pure racial hatred is very important.
Seems like you’ve chosen the right book after all 🙂
12/13/2014 at 3:23 pm
I think so too! Yeah, it appears from reading this that anti-Semitism was used plenty to rile the average German up, but those higher up had their own reasons for doing what they did….
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12/13/2014 at 11:04 am
And no worries at all about the delay! Take care in the snow storm 🙂
12/13/2014 at 3:25 pm
Thanks 🙂 It was more of a rain and windstorm that knocked things out…I had my new blog all written and ready to go, but that will have to wait….
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01/06/2015 at 12:46 pm
What passes for “rational” on this Prison Planet (especially in economic circles) often makes Hitler look like a semi-professional player. But boy-oh-boy, do you ever got to watch out for those “middle managers”. They’re always eager to show the boss how keen they are to bring his dreams into reality. These cold-blooded social climbers are the most dangerous folks of all because they have no sense of right & wrong, just expectations they need to meet.
But as if I’m one to talk about genocides & such. If you were to print off my “Kill & Torture Wish List”, it would stack as high as the CN Tower. (Must be the German blood in me.)
01/07/2015 at 8:09 pm
Ha! I’m a little more cautious about making genocide lists, if for no other reason than that my people have found themselves on the receiving end of them in the past….
12/10/2014 at 4:47 pm
Having worked in Hospice, I read a lot of books about mourning, feelings, emotional distress, loss and grieving.
It never ceased to amaze me how many people would actually stop me and ask: “Oh my, did you lose someone?’ “I’m sorry, who died?” And one time I was waiting in the hospital to see someone, and I actually had a man notice a book on grieving in my bag, and he said: “Oh, I hope they went quickly???” HUH!
Being quite a private person, it always baffled me as to why anyone would feel they had the right, or even the need, to question me about something of such a personal nature. (Whether it pertained to my life or not)
But the final straw was when a precious 8 year old lost his fight with cancer. His parents were devastated, and really struggling. I found a wonderful book titled “Coping with the death of a child” to try to get more insight, because I would visit them several times a week. My heart was breaking, and never having lost one of my children, the gut wrenching pain I saw them going through made me read everything I could, in hopes that maybe, Dear God, just maybe they would feel how much I loved him too.
I was sitting on a bench in the park, reading the book, crying like a baby, and 2 women walked by. Then they turned around and walked over to me. One of them said: “It’ll be alright honey, it was meant to be.” WTH? The other one said: “You should be happy, he/she is with God now!” Double WTH????? Then they asked: “So, how old, and was it a boy or girl?”
I stood up, closed the book and walked away!
Read on Eurobrat! Don’t let anyone take that freedom away from you.
12/10/2014 at 8:25 pm
Oh, I won’t! Your story only shows again how uncomfortable we are in this culture with sadness, death, the darker side of life.
And correct me if I’m wrong, but I’ve read some advice about how talk to grieving family members, and didn’t those ladies in the park say exactly the *wrong* stuff to you? That it was meant to happen, it was fine because the child is in a better place….all things which are dismissive of the person’s grief, and that you’re *not* supposed to say to someone who’s lost a loved one!
And major kudos to you for having done that work. That takes some serious bravery, and…yeah, I’ll have to say it…a kind heart 😉
12/11/2014 at 7:40 am
Here are a few Do’s when in the presence of someone who is terminally ill, and their family and close friends:
Listen, truly listen to all of them. They need to talk. Let them know you care, through your actions. Offer to shop for them. (So they don’t have to leave their loved one) But in the same respect, let them know you are there for all of them, if they want to take a walk, or need a few moments alone. When you truly listen, you will find many (little) ways to connect with them. Their favorite foods. Their funny family stories. Likes, dislikes. What makes them happy, sad. What makes them smile…………..
I have laughed and cried with many. I have shopped, then stopped and taken time to make their favorite food, and enjoy a meal with them. A few years ago I sat with a young lady whose family was absolute chaos! She would talk about some of her birthdays, and Christmas time, and how it was always pure, funny havoc. (I saw exactly what she meant at times. LOL) So, in the middle of summer, I baked Christmas cookies and wrapped them in Birthday paper, and headed out on my mission…….I rented 2 Griswald movies, and with cookies and VCR in tow, headed over. 🙂 That night, after everyone was ready to settle down for the night, I set up the VCR, and the fun began! As I sat there with her on the hospital bed in the living room, and her parents and two sisters, munching on cookies, they all started re-naming the movie characters for people in their family! Oh LOL! We had to stop the movie at least a dozen times because we were all brought to tears we were laughing so hard. (Now that’s GOOD Medicine)
And the DON’T………(I have heard all of these)
Don’t ever say “I know how you feel!” (You don’t)
Don’t ever say “It will be OK” (They are far from that point )
Don’t ever say “At least they are out of pain now” (Wow. Talk about inflicting more pain!)
Don’t ever say “They are with God now” (When all the family can think about is never seeing them again)
Don’t ever say “They fought so hard” (Speaking of fighting, you better back off)
Don’t ever say “They had 2, 5, 19, 25 good years of life” (Say that again, and yours may end right now)
Don’t ever say “They wouldn’t want you to be sad” (And you know this how?)
Don’t ever say “Your little angel has wings now” (Sigh, please leave me alone)
Don’t ever say “You’ll see them again one day” (And it will be a private party, don’t bother stopping by)
And I have heard so many more.
If you are sorry, then just an “I’m so very sorry” is all that is needed. If they want to talk, listen, listen, and listen some more.
12/13/2014 at 6:05 am
That is such a great list of don’ts! So the thing for me to keep in mind–it’s about the other person’s pain. It’s not about me or what I have to say.
The story about your patient watching the Griswolds with her family is too funny and touching 🙂
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