Well, it’s that time–a new Star Wars movie is coming. I can tell because my Facebook feed is cluttered with trailers, previews, lightsabers and heated debates about stormtroopers. I know all my friends are excited, but I have to say that the whole thing leaves me cold and indifferent, probably because I’m no fun.

Here are a few hypothetical scenarios in an alternative galaxy far, far away which might actually make me care about the new lightsaber:

*If it cracks open a bottle of booze for me,

*If it’s mentioned anywhere in the Senate report about “enhanced interrogations,”

*If Elizabeth Warren gets to use it on our banking system,

*If “The Lightsaber” is the name of a real adult toy, batteries included,

*and definitely if it causes some of those obnoxious holiday shoppers to poke an eye out with it…bah, humbug.

In the meantime, I guess I’ll have to avoid Facebook for the next couple of…hmmmm…how many more of those movies are there going to be? Oh, Jesus.

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