So as I’ve mentioned before, I’m a Hillary supporter. Yes, I was the only person cheering for Hillary during the debate in a bar full of Bernie fans….and it made me feel like a bit of a rebel. But why do I have such a weakness for her? It’s true that she’s far from the ideal progressive candidate. I can completely understand why so many people have problems with her.
Maybe it’s as simple as this–I secretly wish I could be a little more like her. I need to learn from Hillary how to be an ice cold bitch.
Yeah, I know that being a bitch is actually making things more difficult for Hillary–what with her not being “likable enough” and all that. But you know what, Hillary? Don’t change. I’ve been likable for years. It’s an overrated experience. So nice…so friendly…such a good listener. People love that! And then they love to step all over that nice person.
This is my New Year’s resolution: I’m going to use the 2016 election as an excuse to be more like our future Madame President. This is what I hope to sound like next year:
Boss: Are you available to work this weekend?
My Pathetic Reply: Absolutely! And remember that I’ll be available on Christmas as well!
Correct Hillary Response: Let me check my schedule and see if I can pencil you in… Mmmmmmm…nope, doesn’t look like it.
Boyfriend: Yes, I’ve been cheating on you.
My Pathetic Reply: How could you do this to me??
Correct Hillary Response: I don’t give a fuck. I’ve got a female lover anyway.
Online Troll: Women shouldn’t have the right to an abortion.
My Pathetic Reply: I guess I have to be open-minded and respectful of your pro-life beliefs.
Correct Hillary Response: You are one of the enemies of America and I intend to defeat you.
Asshole At Train Stop: Hey, I can see that you’re not married! Why won’t you give me your phone number?
My Pathetic Reply: Please leave me alone. I have a boyfriend. (bald faced lie)
Correct Hillary Response: Hello, General? I need a targeted drone strike.
Frenemy: Look at me…I’m so cute!
My Pathetic Reply: You’re adorbs!
Correct Hillary Response: You *are* adorable…adorable like a little puppy that I’m going to turn into a fur coat.
Panhandler: Spare some change?
My Pathetic Reply: Sorry…sorry, I don’t have any cash with me. (bald faced lie)
Correct Hillary Response: Forget that. I don’t see your name on my donor list. Why haven’t you donated to my Foundation yet?
Turning myself from a friendly doormat into a world class bitch is going to take a lot of work, but with Hillary as my role model, I have confidence that I can do it. If by the end of next year the average voter says they wouldn’t want to have a beer with me, then I’ll know that I have succeeded.
“Well, are you ready for a fairy tale?”
“Oh, yes! Things have been so depressing lately. Tell me a good one, Uncle Fox!”
“Once upon a time, there was a future President who was born deep in the African savannah, under the acacia trees. From the time he was a little boy, it was his goal to bring the Islamic faith to the American nation. As a young man, he made the long, perilous journey from Kenya to America. His Marxist mentors were already waiting here for him. They subjected him to the toughest kind of mental training, until he was turned into the perfect instrument of subversion. When he was ready, his handlers helped him infiltrate the Senate. Little did the American people know that a fascist dictator would soon be unleashed upon them…”
“But I thought he was a Marxist…”
“Shhhhh! Don’t ruin the story! Remember, this is a fairy tale. Now, do you want me to go on or not?”
“Yes, yes! I’ll be quiet, I promise!”
“The young politician had strong black magic at his disposal…haha, see what I did there?”
“Hehehe! You’re so politically incorrect, Uncle Fox!”
“Don’t I know it! He used his magical spells to create all sorts of things out of thin air–cell phones, food stamps, birth control pills… He enchanted the voters by showering them with free gifts. He turned them into sheep and they elected him to the presidency.”
“They were under his spell–they were unable to resist him. And so, the long dark years of the new President’s reign began. The people of the nation suffered…”
“Ooh, ooh! Tell me about all the terrible things that happened. Did they lose their jobs?”
“Well, actually…the economy improved. But not as much as it could have! Also, the President gave more people health insurance…”
“That doesn’t sound so bad…”
“Just wait, it gets worse! There were weddings all over the land…”
“I love weddings!”
“But these were gay weddings!”
“See what I mean?”
“Uncle Fox, I know another bad thing that this President did! Mama told me that he used drone strikes to hit innocent people…”
“Silly bunny…drone strikes are a good thing! Stop messing up my story!”
“Keep going, Uncle Fox…”
“Misery and evil descended upon the country. Thankfully, there was a small band of brave Tea Party warriors who were willing to stand up against the dictator…”
“Wow! What did they do?”
“Let me tell you! They took out their…”
“…flag pins! They put on their patriotic flag pins, and they rallied with American flags and anti-Medicare signs. They even dressed up as the Founders!”
“They were armed and ready! When the time came, they pulled out their guns and…”
“…took selfies with them! They shared Facebook memes! These were true freedom fighters. We don’t have men like that around anymore.”
“Finally, the dictator’s eight-year term was about to come to an end, and the patriots were ready to breathe a sigh of relief. But then the thing they had always feared came to pass. The population of America was so mesmerized by its smart phones, they didn’t notice getting microchipped in the neck by the government. Also, the military was easily able to go door to door and confiscate all the guns, since the gun owners were too busy blogging in their underwear about how they were going to assassinate the politicians they didn’t like. The FEMA camps had waited around for years, but now, they were going to be used…”
“I’ve heard all about the FEMA camps! What did the patriots do?”
“After the microchipping, they could no longer fight, so it seemed all hope was lost. But God was on their side! And so was a giant bald eagle! The eagle grasped a nuclear bomb in its talons and dropped it on the dictator, annihilating him. As the smoke of the explosion cleared, Jesus appeared in the clouds and appointed a new President, a godly one who would restore this nation to its biblical foundation of huge mansions and strippers with big hair. President Cruz would rule the land in peace and liberty…”
“So all those stories about the voting machines malfunctioning in 2016 and President Cruz stealing the election are untrue?”
“Of course they are! Those are all liberal lies.”
“And the stuff about our wages going lower and our pension funds getting stolen?”
“Don’t you worry your little bunny head about that nonsense! Now that a real American is President again, we’re going to live happily ever after in the land of the free…”
“Awwwww, Uncle Fox! You tell such nice stories.”
“Now hop along to the meadow, little one! We need to fatten you up…I mean, make sure you’re healthy and well!”
“I’m on my way, uncle! Thank you for everything and have a good night!”
“Sweet dreams, bunny!”