“Well, are you ready for a fairy tale?”
“Oh, yes! Things have been so depressing lately. Tell me a good one, Uncle Fox!”
“Once upon a time, there was a future President who was born deep in the African savannah, under the acacia trees. From the time he was a little boy, it was his goal to bring the Islamic faith to the American nation. As a young man, he made the long, perilous journey from Kenya to America. His Marxist mentors were already waiting here for him. They subjected him to the toughest kind of mental training, until he was turned into the perfect instrument of subversion. When he was ready, his handlers helped him infiltrate the Senate. Little did the American people know that a fascist dictator would soon be unleashed upon them…”
“But I thought he was a Marxist…”
“Shhhhh! Don’t ruin the story! Remember, this is a fairy tale. Now, do you want me to go on or not?”
“Yes, yes! I’ll be quiet, I promise!”
“The young politician had strong black magic at his disposal…haha, see what I did there?”
“Hehehe! You’re so politically incorrect, Uncle Fox!”
“Don’t I know it! He used his magical spells to create all sorts of things out of thin air–cell phones, food stamps, birth control pills… He enchanted the voters by showering them with free gifts. He turned them into sheep and they elected him to the presidency.”
“Oh, no!”
“They were under his spell–they were unable to resist him. And so, the long dark years of the new President’s reign began. The people of the nation suffered…”
“Ooh, ooh! Tell me about all the terrible things that happened. Did they lose their jobs?”
“Well, actually…the economy improved. But not as much as it could have! Also, the President gave more people health insurance…”
“That doesn’t sound so bad…”
“Just wait, it gets worse! There were weddings all over the land…”
“I love weddings!”
“But these were gay weddings!”
“Eep!”
“See what I mean?”
“Uncle Fox, I know another bad thing that this President did! Mama told me that he used drone strikes to hit innocent people…”
“Silly bunny…drone strikes are a good thing! Stop messing up my story!”
“Keep going, Uncle Fox…”
“Misery and evil descended upon the country. Thankfully, there was a small band of brave Tea Party warriors who were willing to stand up against the dictator…”
“Wow! What did they do?”
“Let me tell you! They took out their…”
“Swords!”
“…flag pins! They put on their patriotic flag pins, and they rallied with American flags and anti-Medicare signs. They even dressed up as the Founders!”
“Awesome!”
“They were armed and ready! When the time came, they pulled out their guns and…”
“And??”
“…took selfies with them! They shared Facebook memes! These were true freedom fighters. We don’t have men like that around anymore.”
“Sigh…”
“Finally, the dictator’s eight-year term was about to come to an end, and the patriots were ready to breathe a sigh of relief. But then the thing they had always feared came to pass. The population of America was so mesmerized by its smart phones, they didn’t notice getting microchipped in the neck by the government. Also, the military was easily able to go door to door and confiscate all the guns, since the gun owners were too busy blogging in their underwear about how they were going to assassinate the politicians they didn’t like. The FEMA camps had waited around for years, but now, they were going to be used…”
“I’ve heard all about the FEMA camps! What did the patriots do?”
“After the microchipping, they could no longer fight, so it seemed all hope was lost. But God was on their side! And so was a giant bald eagle! The eagle grasped a nuclear bomb in its talons and dropped it on the dictator, annihilating him. As the smoke of the explosion cleared, Jesus appeared in the clouds and appointed a new President, a godly one who would restore this nation to its biblical foundation of huge mansions and strippers with big hair. President Cruz would rule the land in peace and liberty…”
“So all those stories about the voting machines malfunctioning in 2016 and President Cruz stealing the election are untrue?”
“Of course they are! Those are all liberal lies.”
“And the stuff about our wages going lower and our pension funds getting stolen?”
“Don’t you worry your little bunny head about that nonsense! Now that a real American is President again, we’re going to live happily ever after in the land of the free…”
“Awwwww, Uncle Fox! You tell such nice stories.”
“Now hop along to the meadow, little one! We need to fatten you up…I mean, make sure you’re healthy and well!”
“I’m on my way, uncle! Thank you for everything and have a good night!”
“Sweet dreams, bunny!”
eurobrat 
11/20/2015 at 4:04 am
Wow, you managed to write this beautiful story and I didn’t sense any sarcasm. It was very entertaining and totally appropriate for post lunch, downtime read. There was no mockery of Fox News and no snide remarks about people making up back stories to give them street cred. That’s brilliant. I … (tear)… am so… proud of you…
11/20/2015 at 7:18 am
Awwww, thank you so much for saying that! So glad I could provide good downtime reading 🙂 Loves and hugs!!!
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11/20/2015 at 12:06 pm
Thank you again for this delightful commentary. I’d love to read the illustrated version. Love and hugs back.
11/20/2015 at 8:14 pm
Heh, I need to get my drawing skills back up to par! Maybe I could make some illustrated political fairy tales.
11/20/2015 at 8:22 pm
That’s exactly what we need.
11/20/2015 at 5:45 am
Oh my God, you’re a freaking genius. I’m reblogging this.
11/20/2015 at 7:20 am
Wow, thank you!! Glad you enjoyed it! Always nice to have fun with a little satire 🙂
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11/20/2015 at 7:21 am
It was brilliant. Of course when my conservative friends on Facebook read it they won’t get the satire and I’ll get welcomed back to the dark side of the farce. 😉
11/20/2015 at 7:39 am
Ha! I’ve been on that side of the farce for so long now…they know exactly what to expect from me 😉
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11/20/2015 at 7:44 am
Well I’m a reformed Republican. I think they keep expecting me to come to my senses and return. The prodigal daughter.
11/20/2015 at 8:16 pm
Ah, that can be rough. Maybe they’ll figure it out and accept that this is really what you believe in 🙂
11/21/2015 at 5:15 am
Who knows anymore? People I thought were sensible and reasonable are declaring their support for Donald Trump.
11/21/2015 at 3:27 pm
Same problem here…well educated, intelligent people supporting Trump. I’ve stopped trying to make any sense of it.
11/20/2015 at 5:46 am
Reblogged this on Praying for Eyebrowz and commented:
A bit of tongue in cheek political humor from a blogger I follow and whose writing I enjoy. Read more at eurobrat.wordpress.com.
12/05/2015 at 1:46 pm
Very funny, and disturbingly…er…sarcastically accurate…description of the last 7 years.
But a couple of minor points…
“The population of America was so mesmerized by its smart phones, they didn’t notice getting microchipped in the neck by the government….”
Yes, the population of America has been rendered comatose by their vile little devices. But even though the government could do it, there’s no point in micro-chipping the population. The Stupid Phones that never leave their hands ARE the microchip! They can easily be used as real-time tracking devices and some models as real-time bugging devices. They also provide easy access to bottomless amounts of personal data that can/will be used against them at some point in our dystopian future.
The FEMA camps had waited around for years, but now, they were going to be used…”
Oh, they’re going to be used alright…just not yet. The NSA has more “intelligence” to gather on America’s
citizenrypotential domestic threats first. I mean, it’s all gotta be legal & justifiable, right?As it stands, Republicans are practically calling for yellow Crescent Moon & Star patches to sew on the clothing of America’s domestic enemies. This, so it will be easier to identify America’s enemies and put them in FEMA camps when Mobilization Day finally comes.
12/06/2015 at 4:51 pm
Ah, so the FEMA camps will be used, just in a different way than what the Tea Partiers envisioned…good and scary point.
12/07/2015 at 12:41 pm
Scary is an understatement. Nearly all the infrastructure, policies, & other groundwork has been laid to turn our society into a (completely) authoritarian state. Even the “need” for it has been communicated and largely accepted by the docile & scared-even-stupider public. All that’s left is to flip the switch. One day we’ll all wake up in re-education camps.
I mentioned “Mobilization Day” because it was part of a VERY REAL Canadian “security” program with a really cool name, Profunc. It ran from 1950 into the 80’s.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PROFUNC
Essentially, the RCMP kept files on as many lefties as they could. They compiled an official Profunc List of 16,000 “Suspected Communists” and 60,000 “Sympathizers”. On the list were “the usual suspects” of labour leaders, intellectuals, writers, artists, etc. But it also included several elected officials (and future ones of note). Nobody was safe. Even children, referred to as “Red Diaper Babies”, were on the list.
Sitting in police station safes for decades were envelopes full of pre-authorized arrest documents for hundreds/thousands of Profunc Listers. On Mobilization Day (M-Day) police would round them up and take them to camps. All “perfectly legal”. Attempted escapees were to be shot.
My favourite detention camp was a place I actually visited as a kid while it was still an active M-Day detention site! At the time, it was where I would have been taken to, if my name was on the list. And I’m not 100% sure my dad -an East Block escapee- wasn’t on the list. (I could say more, but my government is reading this in an attempt to build modern lists of “threats” to Canuckistan.)
The hilarious part is that camp was a fancy tourist destination owned by the Kiwanis Club! It’s Toronto’s Casa Loma. A 20th Century castle so authentic, it may have even had its own torture chamber in the basement!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Casa_Loma
While M-Day never happened, many say Profunc Lists were actually used in 1970 . After an FLQ terrorist attack in Quebec, the government rounded up scores of lefties, nearly all of whom had nothing whatsoever to do with the group, let alone the attack. Even most members of the FLQ had no clue about the attack and probably wouldn’t have supported it.
Profunc was actually ended by accident. Very few people, even politicos nominally “in charge” of it, knew about Profunc. Apparently, the Profunc List was one of those lists given to American officials. People on these lists have constant hassles at the US border. Some were forbidden entry. Enough VIPs were on the list and complained about it that the government initiated a procedural change that eliminated older lists, including Profunc’s. Only after a 2010 CBC-TV documentary did Profunc’s existence come to light. But given our current hysteria, I’m 100% sure there are NEW versions of Profunc Lists. And the camps they’ll be taking us to aren’t nearly as nice as Casa Loma!
So, yeah. When I hear about Americans talking about FEMA camps…they may be delusional right-wing nuts…but it doesn’t mean they’re wrong! They’re just drawing the wrong conclusions with the information.
12/08/2015 at 6:36 pm
Wow, what a bizarre tale. And here this is Canada we’re talking about…the place we usually think of stateside as the “progressive” country. I agree with you that the righties are wrong about the purpose of the camps…Trump would be much quicker to send the “wrong kind of people” to camps than the socialists they’re so worried about.
12/13/2015 at 3:13 pm
(Oh, Jesus! yet another painfully long, boring & tangential Sedate Me rant nobody will ever read.)
Yeah, I’m a cynical, paranoid, ma’fucka. But even after seeing the abuses of The War On Terra, that 2010 CBC documentary still blew my mind! I can only imagine what it would have done if I saw it a decade earlier…when I still naively thought I had some rights left.
After the above comment, I re-watched it. Still stunning. Perhaps because it interviewed folks who had NO idea a room in Casa Loma’s dungeon was waiting for them for 30 years. The show also dovetailed into current government spying & intimidation. (This was before Bill C51 recently legalized stuff worse than Profunc)
Thanks to a CBC documentary detailing Canada’s importation of “Wanted Nazis” to help spy on Lefties, I knew the depth of spying back then. While completely inexcusable, one can understand the initial 1950 panic. But the idea that “socialist” Canuckistan (right through the 70’s heyday of leftist politics!) kept updated Profunc Lists on 66,000 Lefties and pre-authorized arrest forms for 16,000 is jaw dropping!
And the “process” made it worse. No warrants. No Kangaroo FISA Courts. No trials. Nothing to authorize the spying, or the arrest forms, other than the RCMP’s opinion. They spied on whoever they wanted and kept updating the “room reservation” list at Casa Loma. Then one day, the PM declares “Today is M-Day” and up to 16,000 are immediately arrested on Day 1 (with lower priority Profunc Listers to follow). They’d be taken to military prison camps and kept in what amounted to solitary confinement for as long as the government wanted. No visitors. Hell, no talking without permission! Any violation of rules resulted in severe punishments, ie bread & water only diets. (without maple syrup -eh?) Any escape attempt would activate the “shoot to kill” order. They’d have probably tortured them too, except that Canada was still “anti-torture” back then.
Now remember, all this was aimed at people who weren’t even suspected of doing anything illegal! They were to be put in concentration camps purely for holding/espousing perfectly LEGAL opinions!
The main reason I’m prattling on & on (& on) about this here is this…If your parents left Polackistan pre-1984 and settled in nearby Vancouver instead of Portlandia, odds are VERY HIGH your parents & YOU (a “Red Diaper Baby”) would be on the Profunc Watch List for ongoing surveillance. Ex-East Blockers (like my dad) were automatically considered commies, if not outright spies. If your parents were even slightly politically active, or had a job with a public profile, you’d probably be on the M-Day list and “headed to camp”! (Probably Kelowna, a remote area in the Rockies, where it’s Arizona in the summer and Anchorage in the Winter.)
And it was all SUPER secret. Perhaps my favourite part of the documentary was where the Government Minister who ended Profunc in the 80’s said that, even though his Ministry was in charge of it, he had NO idea Profunc existed, nor that he ended it, until decades later. This says A LOT about how the Security State works. It’s totally paranoid. It considers everybody guilty & does whatever it wants to in complete secrecy…even from the people supposedly in charge of it!
Most details are STILL ultra-secret and a lot of evidence has been destroyed. The Powers That Be STILL refuse to publish even just a list of Profunc names. Individuals have to initiate searches on themselves. (Which probably puts you on a 2015 version of a Profunc Watch List.) They must dance through bureaucratic hoops and wait years to get any info. Even then, most of it’s blacked out.
But here’s a sample of confirmed Profunc Listers “headed to camp”:
– some prominent Winnipeg city councillors.
– a future Attorney General of a province
– Tommy Douglas. During Profunc, he was a provincial Premier & became leader of the NDP in Canada’s Parliament in the 60-70’s. He’s the guy who got Canada universal, single-payer, Medicare-for-all. He even won “The Greatest Canadian” contest a few years back. (I wuz robbed!!!)
Here’s some almost certain Profunc-ers who we know for a fact the RCMP spied on for being suspected Reds:
– Bob Rae. He was an MP (Member of Parliament) during Profunc. After Profunc, he was a provincial Premier & later returned to Ottawa as leader of the Liberal Party. Because he was spied on at university, his then roommate, future author, Harvard Prof, MP & national Liberal Party Leader, Michael Ignatieff was also spied on…as well as another University pal & future MP, Steve Langdon. VIP Triple play!
– Quebec Premier Rene Levesque, spied on for 50 years by the RCMP.
– And my favourite…Canada’s super-shy folk music songbird & tea-shop owner, Rita MacNeil. This sweet, gentle, woman could barely sing in front of fans, never mind lead a revolution! But the RCMP labelled her a dangerous “threat to Canada”.
http://section15.ca/features/people/2008/10/20/rita_macneil/
And rumour has it…Pierre Trudeau was once on the Profunc list. aka Canada’s PM for 1/3 of Profunc’s existence! It’s KNOWN the FBI opened a file on Trudeau in 1951, when he was nothing more than “a rich, suspected communist” writing for an alternative-magazine in Montreal. If the FBI shared the info with the RCMP, (more likely vice-versa) Trudeau probably had a Profunc file, if not a “room reservation”. Presumably, he was taken off the Detainee List once elected PM. But considering the other examples, the spying may have continued while he was PM. (Documents suggest the RCMP thought he was gay. Back then, gays were spied on as both gays & potential Reds.)
If this is true, his young son (& current PM Justin Trudeau) would also have been a Profunc target. In total, that could potentially make 2 PMs, 3 Premiers and the last 3 Liberal Party leaders in a row on the Profunc Watch List and possibly even on the Detainee List!
Either way, the very idea of anyone, let alone elected government officials, being dragged off to concentration camps is…deeply offensive. If they were ready to do that to law abiding, white, liberals, during Detente…One can only imagine what The Powers That Be are planning based on the mountains of “evidence” they collect on everyone today. Any illusion I ever had of living in a Free Society has been completely obliterated.
With regards to Trump….Trump is just saying out loud what is NO doubt already behind-the-scenes policy that’s just waiting for “M-Day” to be implemented. What’s even more concerning is that the public is eating this shit up! They WANT completely innocent people spied on 24/7. They WANT people taken to concentration camps without anything remotely resembling “due process”! And, Trump or not, I put the chances of this actually happening in the next 10 years at about 20-25%.
As Red Diaper Babies, we both better hope they really did scrub those Profunc Lists in 1984. But as Lefties living in the REAL 1984…we’re already doomed. 😉
12/13/2015 at 6:41 pm
Wow. I do read your rants, and feel like I’ve learned something from this one. It is funny how all ex-eastern bloc people are automatically considered commies…even the ones who, you know, actually fought communism!
But yeah, about Trump…a large part of the public loves what he has to say and agrees with it. He’s just so deliciously politically incorrect, dontcha know! The howling audiences at Trump’s speeches are far more frightening to me than Trump himself.