So as I’ve mentioned before, I’m a Hillary supporter. Yes, I was the only person cheering for Hillary during the debate in a bar full of Bernie fans….and it made me feel like a bit of a rebel. But why do I have such a weakness for her? It’s true that she’s far from the ideal progressive candidate. I can completely understand why so many people have problems with her.
Maybe it’s as simple as this–I secretly wish I could be a little more like her. I need to learn from Hillary how to be an ice cold bitch.
Yeah, I know that being a bitch is actually making things more difficult for Hillary–what with her not being “likable enough” and all that. But you know what, Hillary? Don’t change. I’ve been likable for years. It’s an overrated experience. So nice…so friendly…such a good listener. People love that! And then they love to step all over that nice person.
This is my New Year’s resolution: I’m going to use the 2016 election as an excuse to be more like our future Madame President. This is what I hope to sound like next year:
Boss: Are you available to work this weekend?
My Pathetic Reply: Absolutely! And remember that I’ll be available on Christmas as well!
Correct Hillary Response: Let me check my schedule and see if I can pencil you in… Mmmmmmm…nope, doesn’t look like it.
Boyfriend: Yes, I’ve been cheating on you.
My Pathetic Reply: How could you do this to me??
Correct Hillary Response: I don’t give a fuck. I’ve got a female lover anyway.
Online Troll: Women shouldn’t have the right to an abortion.
My Pathetic Reply: I guess I have to be open-minded and respectful of your pro-life beliefs.
Correct Hillary Response: You are one of the enemies of America and I intend to defeat you.
Asshole At Train Stop: Hey, I can see that you’re not married! Why won’t you give me your phone number?
My Pathetic Reply: Please leave me alone. I have a boyfriend. (bald faced lie)
Correct Hillary Response: Hello, General? I need a targeted drone strike.
Frenemy: Look at me…I’m so cute!
My Pathetic Reply: You’re adorbs!
Correct Hillary Response: You *are* adorable…adorable like a little puppy that I’m going to turn into a fur coat.
Panhandler: Spare some change?
My Pathetic Reply: Sorry…sorry, I don’t have any cash with me. (bald faced lie)
Correct Hillary Response: Forget that. I don’t see your name on my donor list. Why haven’t you donated to my Foundation yet?
Turning myself from a friendly doormat into a world class bitch is going to take a lot of work, but with Hillary as my role model, I have confidence that I can do it. If by the end of next year the average voter says they wouldn’t want to have a beer with me, then I’ll know that I have succeeded.