Dedicated to all the disappointed elves
She worked her magicks in the darkest recesses of a D.C. conference room, her navy blue pantsuit blending perfectly with the shadows. Lady Hillary bent her head over a makeshift altar and chanted the incantations that would turn her into the Ruler of the Free World.
Just as she was halfway through her TPP spell, the door of the room flew open and a slim silhouette appeared.
She turned from the altar and sighed heavily. Naturally, it was one of Bernie’s elves. Many of them had by now acknowledged defeat and scurried back to their woodland communes to tend their tiny herb gardens, but a couple of die-hards here and there were still trying to mount attacks on her.
The Bernista had flowing locks and big, bright eyes. She was followed into the room by her unicorn sidekick. Lady Hillary glared at them with impatience.
“You’re never going to give up, are you?”
“It’s not too late!” the elf proclaimed with a trembling voice. She threw her hands up and wiggled her fingers in the air. “I cast my positive vibrations upon you, oh dark one! Acknowledge that you are not the rightful nominee!”
Lady Hillary cackled. “Spare me this amateur stuff. You do realize, of course, that I have persuaded the majority of those in the Democratic Party to vote for me.”
“It’s all lies and fraud! It cannot be true. Bernie is the chosen one for this time. Did you not see the Goddess send down the little bird at his rally? Do not question the bird!”
“Enough about that stupid bird already…well, never mind.” Lady Hillary softened her tone. “Look, you and I both know that the only way to defeat the Donald is to make an alliance with me. Be reasonable, my little one. You want to believe in good witches, but that’s not how the world works. Although I do so admire that pure heart of yours…I feel as if…I must have it…” She reached out her hand toward the glowing center in the elf’s chest.
“Don’t touch me!” the elf squealed, backing away.
“Or what? Your Bernie will save you?”
“Bernie will save everyone in Americaland.”
“Ha! You think his wizardry is truly powerful enough to make all his promises come true? He will have to raise taxes.”
A slight smile played upon the elf’s lips. “Ah, but you do not know about our secret weapon. Our unicorns aren’t just adorable…they also fart money.”
“Is that so?” Lady Hillary stared at the unicorn with great interest.
“I feel a little put on the spot,” the unicorn said.
The elf tilted her head. “Now will you concede the battle?”
“Concede?” Lady Hillary laughed. “Clearly, you do not understand the kind of power you are dealing with here.” As she said this, she expanded and grew in stature, until she towered over the Bernista. “I am not merely the Democratic candidate for President. I am also a crazy leftist and a sell-out Republican at the same time. Simultaneously responsible for too much war and too much appeasement. Too calculating and too loud. Too easily influenced by corporations and by socialists. I contain it all, the left and the right, the masculine and feminine, every policy and none of them. I am the everything and nothing of politics. Try to stand against me and you will be consumed by the void.”
The elf covered her face, but she was past saving. Her bright eyes turned black–she had gazed into the heart of the political machine. One more moment, and she vanished into a puff of glitter. The unicorn pooped out a little pile of cash and fled.
Lady Hillary shook her head. “Always the same with these creatures. So much fire, so little strategy. It’s a shame–this one was cute.” She turned back to the altar. “Ah, yes. What should I do next? Where is that spell to get Bernie’s endorsement?”