October, October, October! This Year Only! All Month Long! Don’t miss our blowout sale of Ideas You Should Buy! Buy These Ideas Now!
Our selection is crazy! And by crazy, we mean…there are only two choices. Two choices nobody likes. But hey, it wouldn’t be a low low prices blowout sale if we actually had something attractive to sell…heh heh heh.
Which flavor of Patriotism do you prefer? Is it the classic taste of Standing Up For The Little Guy? It’s mostly whipped cream and air with no nutritional content, but it sure looks pretty. Or would you like to try the brand new America For Americans Only flavor? Well…it’s not really new. We bring it back every few decades or so. It always causes food poisoning and pain, but humans just can’t stay away from it.
Speaking of things that never go away, follow me to our fashion section. Did you know that bigotry is back in style this year? Fine, fine…it never went out of style, but it’s the definite It thing for this fall! You look upset. Are those racist pants too, shall we say, risque for you? Do they not fit very well? No worries! Take a few of our Color-Blind Brotherly Love pills. They will make you feel as if such a thing actually exists!
What are you looking at over there? Well, yes, we do have some alternative products available. We’ve got the Libertarian, the Green… But keep in mind that these are not the standard American models. It’s very difficult to get replacement parts for them. And let me remind you that all our election year purchases are nonrefundable. If it breaks, you can’t bring it back!
So don’t delay! After Nov 8th, it will be too late! We have lots of shiny Ideas on our shelves. Would you like Better Wages? Reproductive Rights? Religious Freedom? Intimidating Foreign Policy? Building The Wall? Get them no….oh.
I see. You’ve been watching the news a lot lately. So, now you’ve got a bad case of fear, am I right? The only thing you’re interested in is that giant bag of Law And Order? Great choice! Will it work? Will it make you safe? Of course it will!
Thank you for shopping with us, and have a wonderful four years!
eurobrat 
10/03/2016 at 6:04 pm
I’d like to abstain from making a decision between these two very great deals. I’ll just wait till Black Friday for better deals. 🙂
10/04/2016 at 7:56 am
Hahaha! But watch out…people get trampled on Black Friday 🙂
12/01/2016 at 1:21 pm
Me? Horrible choice, but I’m more of a Buy Nothing Day kind of guy anyway.
https://www.adbusters.org/bnd/
12/01/2016 at 6:46 pm
I don’t like shopping, either…but that doesn’t really make a difference right now, as I have a long list of holiday gifts I need to get….
12/05/2016 at 8:36 am
“Need”?
This is why people get trampled and mega-corporations get rich. Even those not naturally prone to this deeply disturbed mentality have been brainwashed into being obedient little consumers. And the bitter irony is that it’s poisoned & swallowed a holiday intended for people to be thankful for having things they actually do need…like a good harvest, so they don’t starve to death. This includes family & friends and other invaluable things that can’t be bought, like good health. It does NOT include phones, drones, or the 15th Anniversary version of Tickle Me Gitmo.
What you actually need for Christmas is single-payer healthcare. If Jesus was still alive, he’d have given it to all Americans…on HIS birthday. 🙂
12/05/2016 at 7:26 pm
You are probably correct about Jesus…but, as I don’t have that particular gift on order right now, it will be nice to instead get a few thoughtful little presents for the people I care about. It’s true that the people I’m getting them for are more important than the gifts themselves. Isn’t anyone giving you some medicinal brownies for the holiday?
10/04/2016 at 6:54 am
I am old school and firmly believe in standing up for the little gal. She is a choice I really like because I also believe in hope. Somewhere deep down I believe that enough people here do as well. This is a good and thought provoking article and that coming from hopeful optimist.
10/04/2016 at 7:55 am
As anyone who has read some of my other posts here knows, I’m actually a Hillary fan as well 🙂 But I’m very much aware of the fact that a lot of Americans don’t like either option, and was spoofing that here. I’m hoping that a Hillary presidency will surprise everyone…in a positive way!
10/13/2016 at 3:56 pm
Fresh, clever post. Love it. Thank you for swinging by the “Ranch” and for the follow. We 💙 visitors.
10/13/2016 at 6:40 pm
Thank you so much! I love doggies and all animals, so the follow was a no-brainer.
10/13/2016 at 6:42 pm
😉