It should really be called the Department of Desperate Losers, he thought. Losers because they were not from America, and Desperate because they so badly wanted to get here.
He rubbed his hands together. He loved this part. It was the beginning of a fun new game.
In front of him sat a stack of computer file printouts, personally selected for him.
He grabbed the first one and started reading through it. Her name was Maya. She was a 15 year old girl from Syria. She liked mathematics and soccer. He looked at the file in shock. Who could have possibly picked this one? After a moment, he finally noticed the Post-It note on the cover sheet. “Just kidding,” it read. He made a mental note to find out who was responsible for this joke.
The next one was better. She was Vietnamese, and she was past the legal age. Very thin–he liked that. But while skimming her bio, he found out she was politically active and had been part of the opposition movement in Vietnam. In fact, this was why she was trying to leave the country. He shook his head. That sort of thing only caused problems.
There was the file of a Colombian girl who was much too athletic for his tastes. Once again, he congratulated himself on his decision to make full-body photos mandatory with all immigration applications. “You’re fired!” he said as he placed her application on the reject pile.
He didn’t want a woman to wrestle him. He wanted someone who would be as perfect of a wife as Melania.
Ah, Melania. What a woman. Always so quiet, and when he gave her permission to speak, always so classy. And a knockout–that went without saying.
She looked a little sad at that last party. He could understand how she was feeling. It was bittersweet for him, too. They had such good times together. But he was a realistic man. And reality was that Melania was past her expiration date.
It wasn’t all bad. He would get to pick out a fresh new babe. And Melania would be fine. She would go on to do…well, whatever it was that older women did.
More ladies–from Mexico, from Somalia. He suspected that his staff was trying to be politically correct and do that whole diversity thing with the candidates. He breathed a sigh of relief when he got to the women of European heritage. Finally…this was the good stuff.
Oh, yes. A blonde from the Czech Republic. Gorgeous face. And those knockers. Talk about merit-based immigration. She would be getting extra points for sure.
And then a bombshell from Sweden. A brunette this time, with legs for days. Definitely a ten. But not pretending to be someone she wasn’t. No weird hobbies, no PhDs. Just solidly feminine. He could appreciate that kind of honesty.
He would gladly save her from the terrorist hellhole that was Sweden. He felt a tiny twinge. Was it sympathy? Maybe it was an erection. Whatever.
Might as well end it right here, he figured. Could it get any better? Who knows, but he didn’t have the attention span.
And then he was hit with another one of his brilliant ideas. Why not have both the Czech chick and the Swedish chick come over here and fight it out? The lucky winner would get his hand in marriage and American citizenship. Of course the entire thing would be filmed. It would make a fantastic TV show. They could wrestle in…in something. He would figure it out later.
There was a light knock on the door of the office, and Seth peeked in.
“Having fun, Mr. President?”
The President spread his fingers over the desk. “This is so great, Seth. So great. Thank you for this.”
“Excellent. Take your time, Mr. President. We’re discussing some policy issues in the other room.”
“Good job, Seth.” This was his genius, he reflected–he had such fabulous people working for him.
The door closed again, and Donald went back to ogling pictures of hot girls.
“Being President is seriously the best job ever,” he thought.
08/19/2017 at 6:39 pm
Great piece.
08/19/2017 at 6:41 pm
Thank you soooo much. But now I have to go take a shower. I always do after I’ve taken a peek into Donald’s mind.
08/20/2017 at 9:16 am
I know exactly what you mean.
08/19/2017 at 6:40 pm
Reblogged this on Praying for Eyebrowz and commented:
I love what eurobrat.wordpress.com did with this piece.
08/20/2017 at 7:06 am
Another piece of excellent dystopian semi-fiction. Very well done, although I worry a little that one of his aides might read it and pitch the idea to him.
08/20/2017 at 11:29 am
Thanks! Yeah, let’s hope we’re not stuck watching a Trump version of The Batchelor someday (barf).
08/26/2017 at 3:02 pm
Sadly, neither of these two mental toxins (The Bachelor, Trump) are going anywhere anytime soon. If anything, they’ll get “biglier” as our corpse of a society decays even further.
I give a The Bachelor President series at least a 75% percent chance of happening…even if it has to come after a prison sentence. Let’s face it. How much longer can his current
victimwife take it without begging to be hit in a drone strike, or replaced due to stress wrinkles? Four years tops!And what Reality TV show is going to refuse a post-President (barf) Trump themed show? It’s their target demographic and would probably be the highest rated series in this shit-show’s history.
08/29/2017 at 8:12 pm
As much as I realize this was her choice and she did it to herself, I can’t help but feel for Melania. I don’t care how rich she is, having to spend time with that…thing. Excuse me, I need a little me time for vomiting….
But yes, I fully expect a post-presidency reality show of some sort. It’s proof of how low we’ve sunk that the thought of it no longer even shocks or embarrasses me.
08/20/2017 at 12:06 pm
Melted butter! The Czech and the Swede could wrestle in melted butter!….Mmmm…I’d definitely watch that TV show…probably while eating popcorn.
I can see it now, Lady Liberty Wrestling (Not to be confused with characters in GLOW or POWW.) In an outdoor ring located on Ellis Island -using the Statue of Liberty as a backdrop- two carefully selected, aspiring, young, female immigrants battle it out for the greatest honour of all…American citizenship!
“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…and we’ll make them wrestle in skimpy outfits for the pleasure of our viewers. Does it get more American than this? USA! USA! USA!”
I really want to get all outraged and condemn such an irresponsible, sexist, handling of immigration policy…but it’s always hard to argue against a merit-based approach. (Note to Self: Volunteer for a spot on the Immigration Board before all the spots are taken.)
Then again, I watched this classic cheese back in the day. Talk of immigration and other political issues, classy music, the All American (Canadian) 80’s father figure…and a blonde & brunette wrestling…posting this clip again is totally merited!
In the very near future, this is how policy will get made!
08/22/2017 at 8:51 pm
Your vision of this is almost a little…too accurate.
10/04/2017 at 10:15 pm
Hello there! I feel like I’ve stumbled across hidden treasure. I wasn’t sure what to expect. What a delight! You had me at Donald’s “twinge”….i’m howling with laughter at 6am!! By the way I owe Donald for started my blog career… my first EVER post was called The Emperor’s New Clothes.
I loved this.
10/05/2017 at 7:20 pm
Awwwww, yay! Thank you! I’m so happy when I can make someone howl with laughter–so important especially in dark days like these. I will have to check out some of your Donald-inspired writing as well. Might as well laugh, otherwise we’ll be crying, right?
10/05/2017 at 11:43 pm
Too right!
10/07/2017 at 3:12 pm
This is brilliant! And funny. And probably truer than I want to believe.
10/08/2017 at 12:45 pm
Thank you!! I hope it’s not true either, but we’re all living on reality TV now.
01/16/2019 at 7:24 am
medellin
Meritocracy | eurobrat
12/18/2019 at 7:10 pm
Ive bookmarked your web site, and Im incorporating your RSS feeds in direction of my Google account.