I’m learning how to use a gun.
I’m not thrilled about this. I wish this wasn’t the reality I was living in. But reality is what it is, not what I wish it would be.
Now, I’m about as far away from a fanatical gun nut as you can get. I was raised in Europe, and there were almost no guns around when I was a kid. The countries I lived in had very strict gun control laws, and I’m glad they did. I continue to be a strong supporter of strict gun control laws.
But the American culture I live in is full of guns. My neighborhood is full of guns–almost all of my neighbors have them. Even though Portland is very progressive, there’s a strong gun tradition here in Oregon. It doesn’t seem smart to be the only one without.
And there’s something scary brewing in this country.
Maybe this feeling has come over me because I’ve been watching the BLM protests, and the armed militias which have started showing up–and which seem to be supported by the police. There is, of course, 17-year-old (!!!) Kyle Rittenhouse who killed two people and injured one person at the Kenosha protests, after having been given water and thanked for being there by the local cops. In my own neck of the woods, Portland police basically allowed Proud Boys and other right-wing groups to run wild last weekend, to beat people up and point guns at them, including one guy who had a warrant out for his arrest…but was permitted to show up at the protest and then walk away. Once the right-wingers were gone, the police declared a riot and tear gassed the protesters who remained.
Maybe I’m feeling this way because I’ve made the painful mistake of actually listening to the Republican convention this week. I’m hoping this grave error doesn’t cost me my marriage, by the way. Every time my poor husband walked into my office and heard one of the Trump-bots talking, he would clutch his head in horror and flee. Thank goodness it’s over. But it didn’t improve my mood to hear the President’s fans making hysterical speeches about how he is the only one who is standing between America and the country’s destruction by the radical left. That is cult of personality talk, that is dictatorship talk. It raises the temperature, and it makes me suspect that even if Joe Biden wins, we will have crazies on our hands who will be on a mission to “save America” from the rest of us.
Back in the day, when I was a bit more naive, I was one of those people who would have said “Well, if anything happens, I’ll just call 911, right?” Unfortunately, everything that has happened recently has made me question how much we can trust our policing system. Obviously, I realize that since I’m white, I don’t even know the half of it. And I’m also pretty sure there are individual police officers who are genuinely wonderful people. But when I see that instances of police brutality against black people just keep coming, and then when I see the police seemingly taking the side of armed vigilantes at protests, that worries me.
And if you visit any Facebook group or other online forum where these militia-type groups gather, you will see them discussing, with great excitement, the possibility of civil war and violent conflict in our near future. This certainly didn’t start with Trump–I remember these same types threatening secession and armed insurrection all through the Obama years. And I’m sure there are many big-bellied keyboard warriors involved, who may talk a lot, but would never get off their couch long enough to start a war. Still, one theme is repeated over and over again in these discussions–it’ll be great when the shit hits the fan, because we’re the ones who have all the guns, and the “libtards” will be sitting ducks.
I used to dismiss that as idle chatter from incels stroking their own egos, but now that fanatical Trump-worship has been added to the mix, my perspective has shifted. If the fascists ever decide to come for me, I don’t want to be defenseless. Now, I’m not about to start doing stupid, showy things. I’m not going to start showing up in public places or at public events wearing large machine guns. That is just plain dumb and it’s asking for trouble–kind of like that St. Louis couple who decided to come out of their large mansion and wave their weapons at protesters, with their finger on the trigger. But I will have a chance to defend myself if anyone ever enters my home with ill intentions.
I’m interested to hear opinions from others about this. More and more, my point of view is shifting to the belief that the left should be armed, so that if the country slides into some ugly form of totalitarianism, we’re not completely helpless. Or is that something that will just cause more problems and stoke more violence? Obviously, my preference would be that we just vote Biden into office and the Trumpster phenomenon quietly dies away. And that is what I will be working for all this upcoming fall.
But at least for now, I’m a reluctant gun owner.
eurobrat 
08/28/2020 at 2:53 am
No, no, no. I know I live in Italy where things are very different, but if decent people go for guns, it sounds like the beginning of the end…
08/28/2020 at 6:17 pm
Yeah, I understand where you’re coming from there. This is why I’ve been so torn about this situation, as well.
I don’t know how much of a sense of this you’re getting in Italy, but it really feels like a totalitarian state is looming on the horizon here in the States. I was raised in one, so I should know…the Republican Convention looked & sounded exactly like the kind of state propaganda I remember watching when I lived in the Soviet bloc.
Which leaves one with a dilemma. There is MLK’s philosophy…that darkness cannot drive out darkness, and violence cannot drive out violence. And there is the nagging sense that if you remain peaceful for too long, by the time the forces of darkness are completely in power, it will be too late.
Anyway, I want to emphasize that I have no intention of going out and looking for conflict. I’m not going to show up at any protests to fight the militias. This is strictly in my own home, for self-defense. And I’m not always even sure about that aspect of it….
08/29/2020 at 1:03 pm
I understand your thinking here. It’s fluid and comes from a place of concern about the welfare of greater society. But I can’t even begin to imagine accepting a country that allows its citizenry to carry weapons. After Sandy Hook, I vowed I would in my own small way continue the fight against guns. There’s just too damn many of them out there.
08/31/2020 at 9:32 pm
I can understand that…and recent events in Portland really bring the danger of this home. When you put together lots of deadly weapons in one place, what happens? People die. That being said, I still have a lot of anxiety about what is happening, and I don’t think it’s likely that America will abandon its love of guns anytime soon. You are correct–my feelings about this situation are fluid….probably because we find ourselves in a place of acute crisis right now.
09/01/2020 at 4:19 pm
I own a gun. It scares me, but I don’t know what’s coming next.
09/02/2020 at 10:38 am
Thank you–that makes me feel less alone in this.
I always feel a little scared when I’m holding a gun, which is probably as it should be. And I feel anxious about our future as a country, too.
09/02/2020 at 12:30 pm
I feel so scared when I hold a gun. I feel a huge weight of responsibility, as well. It makes me wonder how someone can just take another’s life as it it’s their right.
09/02/2020 at 6:37 pm
Same here. I also don’t understand the people who get together in those huge 2nd Amendment rallies where everyone is waving their gun around. I would be terrified.
09/03/2020 at 3:12 am
They’re nuts.
10/23/2020 at 7:08 pm
I also own one and have for years. I bought it in case the world caught fire and true self defense, not the stand-your-ground bullshit, was needed. I doubt it’d hold up against any real gun nut hellbent on firing off a billion rounds a minute, but my thinking is much like Eurobrat. To deny that which seems patently obvious is to put yourself in a potentially subservient position without even a smidgen of means to defend yourself. I am anti-death penalty. I don’t believe average citizens should allowed to own one and am an otherwise pacifist, but Nazism and pogroms weren’t that long ago. I remember speaking with concentration camp survivors and seeing tattoos on their arms, and now yes per Eurobrat the rise of fascism in America. So owning a gun in a nation that fetishizes them, well, perhaps now we can draw the line at actually firing it. I have no idea. I only hope that I don’t have to make that decision. But I have made the decision to defend myself and my family against fascism in whatever form it takes.
10/24/2020 at 3:34 pm
You’ve pretty much described exactly how I feel right now. I absolutely detest the wanna-be alpha male militia “I’m gonna show off my large rifle so I can intimidate people” bullshit. But I’m also well aware that these groups are out there, and there is constant chatter from them about how they’re going to “take their country back,” with violence if necessary. I’m with you in that I don’t want my family and myself to be completely defenseless in that situation. I so, so wish we didn’t live in this kind of reality, but we do.