Dear Portland…our relationship has been difficult lately.

There was the time when we went for a gallery walk on First Thursday and none of the art galleries were open, because it turns out you shut everything down super early.  The same thing happened when my friends and I decided to go out on a Wednesday evening.  The night was still young, but you were a ghost town.  As my mother so aptly put it, “Portlanders go to bed with the chickens…except that here, the chickens are wearing hand-knitted sweaters.”  Portland, you’re a city.  Part of the deal is that you’re supposed to entertain me after it gets dark.

And do I even have to bring up Cover Oregon?  You had such big plans–our health insurance exchange was going to be the most ambitious in the country.  Obviously, it did not work out that way.  It’s embarrassing when Kentucky does a better job at socialist health care than we do.  And now, the FBI might be investigating Cover Oregon to see where all that money went.  Portland, please leave corruption to the big boys like Chicago.  You are inept at it.

But in spite of it all, I still love you.  Even though you try way too hard to impress me with your weirdness–were the bearded men in tutus really necessary?  Even though you’re not very wealthy, not very good at sports or business.  Every time I think about walking away into the arms of New York City, I end up staying.  You’re just so damn pretty and intelligent.  And like you, I’m a failing dreamer.  Yeah, we’re stuck with each other.  I’m even willing to forgive you for that Unipiper guy.

Like any long-time lover in a worn relationship, all I ask for anymore are the simple things.  Please, would you give me sunny weather for my week off?  I know late May is when you bring back the rain, but will you make an exception for me?  I won’t complain when it rains in June, I promise.  I’ll post pictures of you on my Facebook and talk about how beautiful you are.  I know how much you like being flattered.

P.S. —  I’m also planning to see an art exhibit this Sunday.  I’m sure it will be empty and closed.

xoxo, Karolina

So Rupert Murdoch has been caught (and secretly recorded) bitching to his employees about the corruption and phone hacking inquiry which he has been the target of.  To recap, News Corp is being investigated because the journalists working there were found to be hacking into people’s phones for story scoops, as well as paying off public officials.  But Murdoch is very upset that the cops have been going after his reporters.  After all, bribing officials is something that has been “going on a hundred years,” according to him.  Ah, News Corp…always holding up the highest standard of ethics.  It has gotten so bad, Rupie fumes, that “they’re going to put all newspapers out of business.”

Normally I’m sad about the impending death of newspapers, but in this case I’ll make an exception.  Here I thought that the hard copy newspaper was going out of business due to online competition and our shortening attention spans.  If Rupert Murdoch is trying to tell us that the newspaper companies are actually going kaput because they’re full of dishonest slimebags who give bribes, hey, good riddance.  But I have the feeling that it’s just this particular company, because, well…Rupert Murdoch.

Interesting, by the way, how I never heard the kind of uproar on right wing radio about this phone hacking scandal that I have about the recent NSA one.  Wasn’t this just as much of an invasion of privacy?  Clearly, this kind of thing is VERY BAD when the government does it, but only meh when a giant corporation does it.  Or is it just that Rupert doesn’t have an African last name?  For the record, I’m angered by both hacking scandals, but it’s always fascinating to see the talking heads apply their double standards.  If only Obama had been involved somehow….