“My Secret Service men are unattractive.  Why can’t I have cute Secret Service men?”

“Please, Melania.  I got enough problems.”

“Oh, Donaaaaaald…”

King Donald sighed.

“It’s so cold today, Donald.”

He hated them.  He hated them bigly.  Not only had the Democrats gained control of Congress, but the very first bill they passed was the cruelest blow of all.  It required that he had to spend at least 80% of his time every year right here in D.C., and so did the rest of the Royal Family.  No more Trump Tower.  No more Mar-a-Lago.  Just the dinky old White House.

There were some misgivings about how much that would limit King Donald’s overseas diplomatic travel, but then everyone remembered that he embarrassed the country that much more when he went on foreign trips.

His first impulse was to shout “Off with their heads!”, but despite his stunning re-election victory, he didn’t quite have the power to do that yet.

“I really don’t like living here.  The decor is so drab.  It’s so…there’s not enough gold.”

Queen Melania was right.  But did those lowly Congress-sheeple appreciate all the work he had done in Florida?  His Palace was going to be the best and the biggest.  Like one of those old French ones, or maybe ancient Roman.  Didn’t matter to them–they kept whining about how staying at the White House was a “national tradition.”  They gave dramatic speeches and quoted that “of the people” bit about the government.  He was totally acting like a ruler of the people!  He could help Americans even better from a Palace!  Why didn’t they understand that?

“It’s time.”  The Queen took his hand stiffly.  “Let’s do this right now.  I want it over with.”

Yeah, there was that–one more little stab at his self-respect.  It was a small amendment inserted into the bill.  It stipulated that he must meet with at least one citizen who had voted for him every day–chosen by random lottery, to ensure he didn’t simply select his wealthiest supporters.

They took the elevator down to the tiny room they had set aside for audiences with their subjects.  The couple was already there, waiting for them.

The woman was very excited.  She had poofy hair and was wearing an ill-fitting business suit.  She grabbed Melania’s arm.  “You’re so beautiful!  I love you so much!”  The Queen wrinkled her nose in distaste.

The man was wearing a baseball hat and a shirt with an eagle on it, and King Donald could swear he was staring at him with suspicion.  He nodded at the King.  “Nice to meet ya,” he drawled.  “Lookin’ forward to you finally buildin’ that wall someday.”

That’s when the break came.  The small, wary eyes of that man–one of his constituents–caused the King to make one of his infamous impulsive decisions.  He couldn’t deal with these people anymore.  He didn’t care how anybody would feel about it.  He didn’t care about the Constitutional amendment he himself had pushed through, removing the term limits on his presidency.

This was urgent.  He would tweet about this first thing tomorrow.  No, today.

He was never running for God Emperor again.

So, we’re making war in the Middle East again, eh?

I know that people complain about Obama spending too much time playing golf, but right about now, I wouldn’t mind if he went back to golfing instead of this. After all, one of the naive reasons for my vote for him was that he would be pulling us out of military entanglements.

Hell, with how useful our politicians have been lately, go ahead and put them all on the golf course. They’ll accomplish more there. The Republicans love shutting the government down and don’t want to do a damn thing, so it’s the perfect place for them. It’ll make me happy if I can turn on my TV one fine Sunday morning and see them all doing what they do best, putting around on the green. I won’t spend any time watching them, though–golf bores the living shit out of me.

Yes, but if that happens, who will do the real job of governing? Simple–leave big business and the military industry in charge. We already know they’re the ones running the country.

At work, I have been going through a few weeks of…well, if I can’t call it Hell, it can at least be described as Purgatory.  I work for a health insurance company which is participating in the Oregon insurance exchange, and we have been flooded by calls from new members.  Almost everyone in the company has been on the phones, talking to people who are frustrated about having to deal with Cover Oregon (the state exchange) and frustrated about having to deal with us.

Which leaves me with some questions.  Yes, the Cover Oregon website and phone line have been a fiasco, sort of like the federal healthcare.gov operation was when it first started.  But–and I can’t get into too many details here, because it’s a public blog and this is my employer I’m talking about–the company I work for was not exactly prepared for all the new business coming our way, either.  We were understaffed, so customers have been on hold for long times, often only to have the phone system hang up on them.  We’re not always sure where the applications of the new members are, or what their status is.  And yes, our website has been so overwhelmed by the amount of people trying to use it that it has experienced–can I use the word?–glitches. 

If we were a government agency, the conservatives would be all over us.  Healthcare.gov was bashed for the exact same things that are happening to us, by the usual suspects who say government can’t do anything right.  Yet I’m not hearing any commentary from our local talkers about the problems at the insurance providers.  It’s as if our mistakes somehow don’t count because our company is run for private profit.

It makes no sense to me.  But I know that our glitches are not going to be talked about the same way the government glitches were, because they can’t be used for a political purpose.  And it doesn’t make a difference to my daily life.  I’ll keep taking the angry calls, anyway.

He’s not a Communist.  I get so sick and tired of hearing this bullshit.  I grew up in a Communist state.  In fact, my family and I were political refugees from Eastern Europe due to our opposition to Communism.  We know what Communism is like.  If Obama is trying to be a Communist, he’s a failure at it.

For one thing, big business is flourishing under his administration.  The stock market is going up and companies are making huge profits.  In Communist society, big business didn’t exist.  All industries were supposed to be owned by the working class–which, in reality, amounted to them being owned by the government.  Yeah, business and the government have gotten uncomfortably close, and people are upset that certain companies are getting perks and breaks from the government.  I don’t like that either, but that’s not Communism.  In Communism, businessmen and profiteers were enemies of the government, not its friends.  What we’ve got can be more accurately defined as crony capitalism.  And Obama isn’t even very good at being a progressive President, otherwise more of those profits and perks enjoyed by the wealthy elites would get shared with the rest of us.  They aren’t, and he doesn’t seem to be taking any kind of radical action to make it happen.

The Communist state also doesn’t accept any free expression of views that are opposed to its ideology, and quashes all dissent.  For all the talk of Obama being a dictator, if there’s anything we’ve had plenty of since he became President, it’s been loud criticism of his administration.  And calling it “criticism” is putting it mildly–how about vitriol, fuming hatred, extreme name calling (see “Obama’s a Communist”).  I haven’t seen any of the incessant hateful speech about the President getting censored–nor should it be.  The talking heads who spend the most time on the airwaves yelling about how oppressive the Obama “regime” is would be in jail or off the radio a long time ago if they lived under a truly oppressive regime.  But they have no idea what that’s actually like, and it’s their job to yell, not to think.

A lot of people bring up Obamacare or government health care as an example of the “Communism” in question.  But there are many countries like Germany or Holland or Sweden that have government health care and are not Communist at all.  They are a mix of capitalism with a welfare state.  I realize there are some for whom any political system which is not unrestrained capitalim is automatically bad, but one should at least try to make distinctions.  I can say from personal experience that the difference between living in Communist Eastern Europe and Western Europe was like night and day.

And that’s the point.  If you dislike Obama–for any reason–fine.  But it does you no good in presenting your argument if you do so using exaggerated and incorrect terms.  If anything, Obama is a President who attempts to implement moderate Republican policies like Romneycare, and does so in a bumbling way.  I realize that doesn’t quite have the zing of “Communist!” to it, but reality seldom gives us that exciting zing.

As our government continues down its path of paralysis, now embroiled in endless scandal hearings, I’ve been struck by an interesting contradiction.

We know our country is polarized.  In fact, we hear about it all the time.  We’re polarized polarized polarized.  We’re divided like we’ve never been divided before (although that’s not entirely true…I can think of a time in our history when were so divided we were at war with each other).

And yet we’re unable to acknowledge reality–that in order to get anything done in a polarized country, we have to force ourselves to do that dirty deed:  compromise.  Instead, it’s a battle–on both sides–to convince the rest of the country to think like us.

It’s amusing to hear both conservatives and liberals go into complete denial about this.  The majority of red-blooded Americans agree with the Tea Party, it’s just a small liberal elite that brainwashes them into believing lies.  The average working man supports the Democrats, but a small wealthy elite helps the Republicans push their agenda.

But the truth is, the country is split about half and half right now.  This means that neither side will get exactly what it wants.  And good luck persuading the other half to think like you do–I’ve seen enough online political debates by now to know that it’s impossible to change anyone’s mind.  The only solution would be for us to try to meet each other halfway.  And that is just not happening.

So instead, the futile struggle to overpower the other side goes on.  Some of the crazies on the conservative fringe seem to harbor fantasies about taking out everyone who disagrees with them–either deporting them, or shooting them, or…making them go away somehow.  Even that wouldn’t work.  Civil wars are messy and complicated, and in the end, you won’t be able to make everyone with a different opinion disappear.

I believe in my principles, and would love to see a society based on progressive ideas take shape.  But right now, that’s not reality.  Failing to acknowledge reality causes what we see in Washington.  Stalemate.  Nothing.  And since there are people who can use stalemate to their benefit, that probably won’t change anytime soon.

Where are the people who are coming to get you?

Seriously, where are they?  Those scary Feds?  The ones who are coming to take your guns away?  Or force you at gunpoint to buy health insurance and get on the Pill?

One of the first post-election reactions I saw encouraged everyone to “lock and load”.  It was followed by countless other conservatives screaming “I’m gonna get my guns before they get me!”  Well, so far I have not heard of any people getting taken away in the middle of the night.  Except maybe Bradley Manning and the guys at Gitmo, and they sure as hell didn’t get put away for voting Republican.  And Michelle Obama still isn’t sending anyone to vegan re-education camps.  So what went wrong?  The administration has had plenty of time to go after its enemies.  Obama has had over four years by now to call off the election, declare a state of emergency and crown himself All-Knowing Islamic-Communist Dictator.

But the only suggestions of violence I’ve seen have been on the conservative online forums.  The President is the one who gets death threats–a very high number of them, according to the Secret Service.  And as we all know, gun sales went up after the election, and I’m assuming that wasn’t all cocky blue-staters about to go hunting for Romney voters.  Which leaves me with one question:

Are they really coming for you, or are you getting ready to come for me?