One fine morning, I woke up and decided to love and accept myself just the way I am.  It was one of the worst decisions I ever made in my life.

I loved myself through long days of eating junk food and watching TV, until I became overweight and unhealthy.  I was too lazy to work out–well, what of it?  I was the type who liked to spend her day on the couch, and I accepted myself that way.  I accepted my unemployed self, too–not all of us are a good fit for a regular job, after all.  And who was I to force my special inner child to do things it didn’t want to do?  Anyway, I was going to be a writer.  Never mind that I wasn’t writing anything, forever waiting for inspiration to strike.  Truth is, I wasn’t doing a goddamn thing except mooching off my very patient family.  But to admit this would have meant being critical of myself.  And criticizing yourself was bad and mean.

So I loved myself right into sloppiness and mediocrity and low expectations.  And one day, I realized I didn’t like myself anymore.  And it was freeing.  I looked at my existence and thought “Um…I’m kind of a loser.”  It felt great to say this out loud.  Now that I was no longer delusional about who I was, I could start to work on my life and make it better.

I’ve come a long way since then, but I make sure to remind myself of that time once in a while, when it seems like my standards may be slipping again.  Not to get all New Age cheesy about it, but the Universe gave me a learning experience about just how pathetic I’m capable of being.  I have learned and I’ve moved on, but I will still say, in my best Grumpy Cat voice: “I don’t love myself…GOOD.”

My body often reminds me that I am a weak specimen.  If we still lived in a purely Darwinist world, not protected by the buffer of civilization, I would be long gone by now.  I am a creature of comfortable physical habit.  And anytime I diverge from the routine, I get a migraine.

I get a migraine when it’s too cold.  I also get a migraine when it’s too hot.  Or too wet or too dry.  I can understand the hangover headaches I get from too much alcohol–I feel like I’ve earned those–but I also get headaches when I’ve had too much caffeine or not enough caffeine.  Headaches from waking up too early or staying up too late, too much work and too much stress.  The only way for me not to get a migraine would be just to stay in bed all day.  But even then, I might fall asleep in the middle of the afternoon, which always gives me a migraine.

Sometimes I think I should lead a more adventurous life.  But then I picture myself crawling across the ice in Alaska or hanging from a camel in the Sahara, clutching my head and throwing up.  Vomiting in an exotic locale is still vomiting, and there wouldn’t be a convenient toilet nearby.

At times I think my body is fighting me.  It is as if it knows that I’ve always lived inside my head, and have only a tenuous connection to the physical form I reside in.  My body can tell I feel uncomfortable in it, and it punishes me for that discomfort.  And I definitely deserve the punishment.