Holy Ronald the Great, patron saint of laissez faire capitalism, help us preserve our conservative faith.  Help us remember what we believe in.

Save us from unrestrained government spending and the temptation to raise taxes.  Sure, you ran deficits and raised taxes, but you did it to defend us from the anti-American enemy.  And anything done to defend us from the anti-American enemy is sacred in our eyes, amen.

May your spirit inspire us to appear patriotic.  For we know that we will fall short of the glory of real patriotism in our deeds, but the virtue of appearing patriotic will redeem us.  Yea, our Democratic opponents will be accused of weakness when they walk the road of diplomacy, but we will be able to trade arms for hostages and still call ourselves true patriots for all eternity.

Rescue us from division and splintering, from multiple factions and an abundance of primary candidates.  Grant us unity, and do not permit us to have any doubts about our platform, nor to listen to deceitful suggestions that we should change it.  With your aid, we will live our lives in your image–with a cheerful indifference to the facts, joking about the things which we do not understand, knowing we will be right no matter what.

Above all else, we are gathered here in your name to worship and praise that most holy of holies, the Almighty Dollar.  May it ever increase and multiply.  Even as we are broke and struggling and crushed by the heel of great corporations, we remain steadfast in our belief that one day, you will bestow upon us the blessings of wealth, just as you have upon your other servants who tell us to vote Republican.  So we say, let the wealthy remain wealthy, today and tomorrow, now and forever, wealth without end.  Amen.

In the comments to my Hunger Games blog, the topic of celebrity worship came up.  I was under the mistaken impression that celebrity worship was a bad thing.  In particular, I mentioned that there’s a downtown hotel which I frequently walk past where I can watch the fans of celebrity athletes line up whenever a basketball team comes to town, holding their “Love You Kobe!” signs, and how I found this rather pathetic, especially since the athletes in question don’t give a flying rat’s ass and usually breeze past without even glancing at their faithful.

However, I decided to do more research on this question, since every blog should involve research at least once in a while.  After having ingested large amounts of gossip material, I have located valid reasons for why celebrities should be worshipped:

They wear coats made of purple minks—a creature I didn’t know existed. 

If you’re an artist, they will hire you to paint a portrait of them surrounded by fluttering angels.  (I think Michael Jackson had one of those.)  I live in a family of artists and, believe me, anyone who will buy art in this economy deserves to be worshipped. 

They can have sex with anyone they desire, kind of the way Zeus used to do. 

Also, they starve themselves into malnutrition, which makes them martyrs as well as gods.  When they do eat, they have very strict food rules and they are willing to divulge their secrets to us, so that as their devotees, we are able to follow their dietary laws. 

I have to admit to heresy:  I’m still not really satisfied with any of these deities.  I suppose I could try worshipping political celebrity gods, like St. Ronnie of the Free Market, or the future St. Obama, once his presidency is over and he can be canonized.  But let’s face it, I don’t want to waste my adoration on any of these flawed humans—they are not worthy of it.  Instead, I will do what most people in Portland do, and worship my little pet dog.  Look at the face in that picture—doesn’t he look like he’s enlightened already?