Well, I could use this space to whine and cry about the midterm election results, or I could post something a little more…entertaining. Especially when it ties into my line of work.

Part of my job consists of investigating accidents and trying to find out how injuries happened (to see if there could be any liability involved). This means that I spend my day looking at countless ways in which people hurt themselves. Everything from skateboarding and snowboarding accidents…to those who injure themselves while attempting to dance or do yoga…those who fall into a hole in their backyard…or get bitten by a cat or spider, or the bat they find lying on their bedroom floor. Needless to say, my work makes me a bit paranoid about doing…anything, really.

And that’s how I can confirm that what Meetville.com is reporting is true–quite a few people hurt themselves while having sex.

Meetville–which is a dating site, but not an ISIS-sponsored one!–has published stats showing that one third of adults are injured every year while doing the wild thing, with an even kinkier 5% having to call in sick to work the next day. And 4 out of 10 have broken furniture or other household items in the process of making love. See? It’s much safer when you’re not getting any. I’m just sayin’.

They even provide a handy chart of the most dangerous places to have sex. They say it’s 10 places, but I only see 9. Perhaps they were too busy getting it on to count:

10dangerousspots

Ack! The sofa and the bedroom are so dangerous! Did I mention you can get ebola there, too?

I should add that in my workplace, when we receive information about *those* kinds of injuries, our clients don’t give us any details, and we don’t ask. I’ve seen a couple of hospital emergency room claims with a diagnosis of “foreign object in anus,” and I…I really don’t want to know. I figure that anyone in that situation would be too embarrassed to sue anybody else, anyway.

So there it is, a little silliness to brighten the mood for this dreary week. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll retire to my dangerous bed and continue smarting from the spanking we got from the Republicans this Tuesday…ouch!

Conservatives are not opposed to contraception.  They’re fine with me using contraceptives, as much as I want to.  They just don’t want to have to pay for them, either with their tax money or increased insurance premiums or whatnot.  But as long as I’m paying for them myself, it’s all good.  Or so they tell me.  Because they’re all about freedom for everybody.

So then why does every conservative rant about insurance coverage of contraception inevitably end with the suggestion that I shouldn’t be having sex?  There was Foster Friess joking that I should stick an aspirin bottle between my knees, the way the good girls used to in his day.  I’ve listened to endless talk radio hosts discussing this issue and somehow, it always comes down to “What about just being abstinent?”  Sure, I guess that’s an option–it’s not as if I need to enjoy my life.  While I’m at it, I could also spend my free time flogging myself for my many sins, but I think that custom is as passe as celibacy.  It also doesn’t help that the guys promoting virtuous behavior get caught trying to pick up men in airport bathroom stalls.

There’s an answer to all of our problems, an answer which can bridge our partisan divide, and that answer is oral sex.  Both liberals and conservatives love it.  It will not cause an abortion, it will not have to be paid by anyone else’s insurance premium, and it doesn’t give me the horrible side effects of the pill.  It can be gay or straight.  If one so wishes, it can take place within the bounds of a traditional religious marriage.  It might keep Catholic couples from trying to use that silly calendar method.  It’s an experience of pure beauty and ecstasy, and it unites all of us, no matter who we are, in that one happy moment of orgasm.

So if conservative talking heads wanted to prove to us that they are not, in fact, prudish killjoys, they would promote oral sex.  Instead of advising women “Maybe you should stop having a love life,” how about “Find a boyfriend who will give you head.”  But they will never say that, because contrary to what they claim, they are uncomfortable with women enjoying their sexuality.  Deep inside, they’re still stuck on the idea that sex for women is only okay if the goal is baby-making.

But I’m always open to the idea that I could be wrong.  It’s possible–Tea Party Patriots For Head can happen!  It could be the most powerful pro-life movement of our new century.  And it’s one Tea Party organization that I would be glad to join.