Subjects of America!

First off, I must thank you for helping pay for Queen Melania’s recent plastic surgery. The sight of the Queen’s lifted cheeks has lifted His Majesty’s spirits (it’s a joke–laugh, peasants!).  Alas, even Queen Melania is not immune to age, and as King Donald has frequently declared, only a perfect 10 in feminine beauty can be allowed to complement his own leonine visage.  It has been inspiring to see our loyal populace so willingly contribute their tax monies to the important cause of keeping the King’s sacred marriage bond intact.

In other news, ratings were the highest ever for the latest episode of Prison Camp Survivor.  Millions of subjects tuned in last Tuesday to catch the surprise execution of fan favorite, Sasha Obama.  As producer of the show, His Majesty is very pleased with its success, and proud of himself for pioneering this innovative and inexpensive new kind of reality show.  Tune in this week to find out who will be the next one to get eliminated from the re-education centre!  Also, look for Gladiator: Antifa vs. Militia, coming this fall!

Only one month left until the Day of Remembrance, so get your commemorative shirts and coffee mugs while you still can!  Once again, we will be paying tribute to the fallen of San Francisco, Chicago and Los Angeles.  These cities will always remain a part of American history, even though they had to be sacrificed for the sake of liberty and freedom in the Yuge War.  We can take comfort in the knowledge that those who were nuked in the Attacks will live on forever in our memories, and also that those towns were full of Democrats.  The Royal Family has announced that it will mourn that day by going into seclusion at the Mar-a-Lago resort.

A special shout-out goes out to James D. of Pittsburgh, who at a recent town hall asked His Majesty: “So, when are those manufacturing jobs coming back?”  We haven’t had this deep and enjoyable of a belly laugh in a long time.

Some concern has been expressed about how succession is going to work, now that elections have been temporarily suspended due to the Tragic Attacks.  The public has made clear that it loves Ivanka and Tiffany, and wants the process to be free of any outdated sexist ideas.  His Majesty has come up with a beautiful deal that he thinks will satisfy everyone.  The country will be divided between the children:  the Eastern U.S. will go to Ivanka, the Western U.S. to Don Jr., the Midwest will be given to Eric, and Barron will inherit the deep South.  Princess Tiffany gets Florida.  Thus, we have ensured that the Royal succession will be based in the kind of equality all Americans believe in.

That’s it for this issue of the newsletter, faithful citizens!  May you have a week of productive labor for the Kingdom…you know what happens otherwise!  Quick reminder:  It’s July 4th next week, so extra patriotism patrols will be out.  Have fun and stay safe!

Yours In Superiority,

Lord Kushner,  Baron of New Jersey

After a long, exhausting day, I curl up in my bed and turn on the large screen sitting on my bedroom cabinet. And when I’ve stared into it for a while…suddenly…it’s all okay.

It’s okay that my spend my days at my overwhelming, soul-draining job because, hey, there’s always a chance that I might get on a reality show someday and win a million bucks. Maybe I’ll be the one who isn’t voted off the island. On Survivor, the Blue Collar team can beat the White Collar team, even though in real life they wouldn’t have a melting snowball’s chance of it.

It’s okay that a soldier gets his limbs blown off in one of our pointless wars, because he can still go on Dancing with the Stars.

It’s okay that there are parents out there who can’t afford medical care for their child, because the local news will tell me a heartwarming story about how their neighbors held a bake sale to try to raise the money.

It’s okay that Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush are both part of the same oligarchy running the nation, because the debate between those two is going to be so exciting!

It’s okay if I make less than a man, because Beyonce will sing me a song about how girls run the world.

It’s okay if tigers go extinct, as long as we have enough dogs left to do stupid pet tricks.

Bright colors flash into my eyes and happy tunes jingle into my brain, until I finally pass out, the tension leaving my shoulders and back, the white noise of our entertainment culture droning on…It’s gonna be okay…It’s gonna be okay….

So, I’m about to settle down and watch the real Hunger Games—Survivor.  I know, I know.  Bad choice, bread and circuses, and so on.

I haven’t read the Hunger Games, but I have read the basic outline of how the Hunger Games world works.  Survivor is obviously preferable, because the people on it don’t die, but still scary in its realistic little way.  In this world, people aren’t forced to compete for their life.  Rather, they volunteer to undergo deprivation and humiliation in front of the cameras.  It’s all for that cash prize, the chance to change their life.  The message that I’ve seen communicated over the years of Survivor has been very clear:  you have to be willing to do anything, and that’s *anything*, for that money.  Whether that means playing so hard in a physical challenge that you injure yourself, voting your best friend off the island, whatever.

In fact, that has been one of the most interesting and puzzling things to me about shows like Survivor.  They are supposedly meant to promote individuality and competition.  But what I see emphasized instead is complete and utter obedience.  Whatever the show producers want you to do, you do.  This is also true for the less bloodthirsty shows.  On America’s Next Top Model, the models are told to always do whatever will please the client.  Any contestant who happens to have too strong of a personality or a different opinion about a project gets rebuked or kicked off.

So yeah, I get it.  I’m being brainwashed by TV shows which tell us to do anything, to fight each other and demean ourselves, all for the chance at financial security.  But of course, I’m going to go back to watch it.  Because it’s just so easy to watch.  It goes down so smooth, brain candy full of artificial flavoring and color. 

Anyway, I hope Colton goes down in flames tonight.  I hate that guy.

Spoiler P.S.:  But I wasn’t wishing appendicitis on him!!  Seriously.