According to the weather forecasts, the polar vortex will be coming back this week.  Chris Christie must be breathing a sigh of relief, as his hijinks might get swept from the headlines by more sensationalized reporting of Unprecedented Ice And Snow!  …also known as winter weather in the Midwest.

In fact, who knows, maybe Christie engineered it all, like he did the traffic snarl in Fort Lee?  I can see the internal e-mails now:

“They’re on to me.  Time for some climate problems in the East.”

And voila, a conspiracy theory is born.  These are easier to create than I thought they were.  I’m ready for my gig as the substitute host on Coast To Coast AM!

Well, the thing I’ve been hearing Rush Limbaugh bitch about the most this week has been the polar vortex.  The polar vortex doesn’t exist, the polar vortex has been made up by the Left to support their global warming propaganda.  The polar vortex isn’t just chilly, it’s downright anti-American.

Rush has been getting older and grumpier.  But why the particular focus on winter weather?  Then I realized it–the polar vortex is competition for Rush.  The vortex is a huge and spinning mass of nothingness, cold and icy, void of any warmth or compassion.  It will freeze any hapless victim which stumbles its way, especially if that unfortunate person is poor or homeless.  And it’s getting lots of negative coverage in the “lamestream” media.  The vortex could become a host of its own radio show, and it would probably attract more conservative and libertarian fans than Rush, because it has even less humanity than he does.  At least Rush likes his cat.

So now I know why Rush fears and distrusts the polar vortex so much.  It’s okay, Rush.  I’m sure the vortex has some good tips for you about how to really frost everybody’s nuts.

There were a few snow flurries this morning.  Nothing major.  The cold weather is here.  I can’t help wishing it would snow a little more, if only so I can experience the awesomeness that is our local snowpocalypse reporting.

Portland isn’t used to snow.  At all.  When a few inches fall, everything grinds to a halt.  Traffic slows to a crawl.  Not only do schools cancel classes–churches cancel Sunday services, which is baffling to my religious midwestern friends.  And our local news kicks into breaking news mode worthy of a terrorist attack.

The reporters are out in force, braving the snowflakes, wrapped in arctic explorer coats, snow pants, hats and goggles.  They measure the snow with rulers, apparently never having been told that snowdrifts get blown around by the wind and so this probably isn’t the most accurate way to measure accumulation.  Winter drama ensues.  Cars slide off roads.  Kids make tiny snowmen.  Trains stop running–I have no idea how our train system would even function if it had to run anywhere but on the West Coast.  One of my favorite TV moments ever involved a female journalist walking up to a man who was shoveling snow off the sidewalk and praising him for the “heroic work” he was doing.  The guy, who just happened to be from Chicago, almost died laughing.

So yeah, it’s all…kind of embarrassing, actually.  But it’s still more entertaining than run of the mill reality television.  Bring on the deadly snow!