Dedicated to all the disappointed elves
She worked her magicks in the darkest recesses of a D.C. conference room, her navy blue pantsuit blending perfectly with the shadows. Lady Hillary bent her head over a makeshift altar and chanted the incantations that would turn her into the Ruler of the Free World.
Just as she was halfway through her TPP spell, the door of the room flew open and a slim silhouette appeared.
She turned from the altar and sighed heavily. Naturally, it was one of Bernie’s elves. Many of them had by now acknowledged defeat and scurried back to their woodland communes to tend their tiny herb gardens, but a couple of die-hards here and there were still trying to mount attacks on her.
The Bernista had flowing locks and big, bright eyes. She was followed into the room by her unicorn sidekick. Lady Hillary glared at them with impatience.
“You’re never going to give up, are you?”
“It’s not too late!” the elf proclaimed with a trembling voice. She threw her hands up and wiggled her fingers in the air. “I cast my positive vibrations upon you, oh dark one! Acknowledge that you are not the rightful nominee!”
Lady Hillary cackled. “Spare me this amateur stuff. You do realize, of course, that I have persuaded the majority of those in the Democratic Party to vote for me.”
“It’s all lies and fraud! It cannot be true. Bernie is the chosen one for this time. Did you not see the Goddess send down the little bird at his rally? Do not question the bird!”
“Enough about that stupid bird already…well, never mind.” Lady Hillary softened her tone. “Look, you and I both know that the only way to defeat the Donald is to make an alliance with me. Be reasonable, my little one. You want to believe in good witches, but that’s not how the world works. Although I do so admire that pure heart of yours…I feel as if…I must have it…” She reached out her hand toward the glowing center in the elf’s chest.
“Don’t touch me!” the elf squealed, backing away.
“Or what? Your Bernie will save you?”
“Bernie will save everyone in Americaland.”
“Ha! You think his wizardry is truly powerful enough to make all his promises come true? He will have to raise taxes.”
A slight smile played upon the elf’s lips. “Ah, but you do not know about our secret weapon. Our unicorns aren’t just adorable…they also fart money.”
“Is that so?” Lady Hillary stared at the unicorn with great interest.
“I feel a little put on the spot,” the unicorn said.
The elf tilted her head. “Now will you concede the battle?”
“Concede?” Lady Hillary laughed. “Clearly, you do not understand the kind of power you are dealing with here.” As she said this, she expanded and grew in stature, until she towered over the Bernista. “I am not merely the Democratic candidate for President. I am also a crazy leftist and a sell-out Republican at the same time. Simultaneously responsible for too much war and too much appeasement. Too calculating and too loud. Too easily influenced by corporations and by socialists. I contain it all, the left and the right, the masculine and feminine, every policy and none of them. I am the everything and nothing of politics. Try to stand against me and you will be consumed by the void.”
The elf covered her face, but she was past saving. Her bright eyes turned black–she had gazed into the heart of the political machine. One more moment, and she vanished into a puff of glitter. The unicorn pooped out a little pile of cash and fled.
Lady Hillary shook her head. “Always the same with these creatures. So much fire, so little strategy. It’s a shame–this one was cute.” She turned back to the altar. “Ah, yes. What should I do next? Where is that spell to get Bernie’s endorsement?”
07/12/2016 at 10:08 pm
Feeling bad about the Lady too? She’s still the only sensible choice …
07/13/2016 at 7:19 am
Actually, I like her a lot more than what my writing reveals…this story was partly meant to make fun of both Hillary stereotypes and Bernie follower stereotypes. Not only will I vote for her, I will volunteer for her as well!
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07/13/2016 at 1:03 pm
Good for you! I’ll be cheering from across the Big Pond…
07/13/2016 at 1:54 pm
Thank you! Trump CANNOT win.
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07/13/2016 at 1:46 am
I love your stories. It makes so much more sense the way you tell it!!!!!!
07/13/2016 at 7:20 am
LOL! Probably because our current political scene makes no sense at all. Thanks Gosia!
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07/13/2016 at 8:36 am
Looks like she found the spell! Now to defeat the Drumpf.
07/13/2016 at 1:54 pm
Yes!!!
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07/15/2016 at 2:01 pm
While I dislike elf & witch stories (other than Bewitched)…good story…and not a month too soon! 😉
“Try to stand against me and you will be consumed by the void.”
That’s for sure!
It’s absolutely astounding to me that soooo many people thought/pretended that anyone ever stood half a snowball’s chance in this Hell on Earth against the Hillary-Tron 2016. I can see why the overpaid professional spin-doctors & “news” media types (aka burrito chasers) fed into this charade. It’s how they make their malignant livings. But a simple analysis of the process & the facts would have made the inevitable result crystal clear over a year ago.
But the other people? What’s the matter with them? Are they high? Are they retarded? Do they think they live in a democracy, or something???
Not to sound like the broken record I am, but the Hillary-Tron effectively had this in the bag shortly after quitting her State Department job in 2012. It wasn’t just that she was a solid candidate that finished a close 2nd to…uh…whatever his name was….She went about strong-arming, bribing and threatening to cast spells on all the Super-Delegates who weren’t already lined up & drooling at the chance to become her human bidets. Then she compiled more money than what it should cost to finance an entire election cycle….for all national elected offices!
Months before the first Primary vote was cast, she already had 450-ish Super-Delegates (and the entire party establishment) openly pledging their souls to her with another 50+ “playing hard to get”. That put her about 15-20% of the way to mathematically clinching the race against….a couple total nobodies. Other than spending that mountain of money, there was really no point in even having Democratic Primaries….and only slightly more reason to have a Presidential election at all. Those demographic Smurfs could beat a senile old man sharing a hovel with a rabid cat.
What’s truly amazing is that Bernie didn’t burst into flame the second he walked onto the stage opposite her. The idea that a self-proclaimed socialist, a complete outsider with no support & no money could last 5 minutes against the Hillary-Tron 2016, never mind live until the final day of the faux-campaign….well that required more than a goddamn unicorn!
Well, that….or a population SO sick & tired of the status-quo that’s strangling the life out them that they’d rather vote for personally contracting syphilis than vote for the Hillary-Tron. Bernie just happened to give them a choice other than syphilis.
07/15/2016 at 4:53 pm
Well, she also got more pledged delegates and more of a popular vote. Something I like to remind the Bernie fans about, since they do love to complain about the superdelegates 🙂 Looks like a large portion of the Democratic Party, at least, prefers the equivalent of political syphilis to Bernie…
That being said, we have to give him credit for lasting in there for a long time (some of us might say, overstaying his welcome) and he did have a positive influence on the DNC platform. So it wasn’t all a waste for him.
07/19/2016 at 2:23 pm
Excellent! It’s a perfect excuse to post a clip (because I still can’t figure out how to just post links to videos) from one of my favourite flicks to watch late at night after some “medicinal brownies”.
07/21/2016 at 5:36 pm
Hahahahaaaa…I needed that break from the RNC convention. I didn’t like the LOTR movies either….