So I have spent the past few weeks of my life reading a truly atrocious right-wing prepper novel. I’m a masochist, I know. The story takes place in the Northwest and is every armed MAGA hatter’s fantasy. Portland, which is naturally a socialist hellhole, collapses in riot and flames, overcome by raging violent hordes of Antifa types. The intrepid conservative heroine of the tale, who’s been hoarding guns and vacuum-sealed bags of food, has been ready for this moment and escapes into the mountains of Colorado, which are blessedly free of Democratic voters and immigrants.
Reading this alt-right daydream about the collapse of the world as we know it reminded me of a suspicion I’ve had for a long time now–that if an apocalypse comes, I don’t think I want to survive it.
I can picture it now–the day all the preppers have been waiting for. Smoke is rising from the ruined cities, no doubt done in by the disastrous policies of providing union jobs and offering free school lunches to kids. As the murderous socialist hipsters finish each other off in the blue urban areas, the few who are wise enough to understand what’s going on flee to the red countryside, where they go back to the old ways, hunting and sewing their own clothes and working the land and…barf.
I know, I know, you’re supposed to appreciate being alive no matter what. But seriously? I grew up on a farm and never liked farming. I don’t even like gardening in my suburban yard. I’ve never felt any kind of mystical connection while digging around in the dirt, except for the mystical thought that I wanted to go back inside and read the news. And don’t even get me started on my failed attempts at sewing back in home economics class.
And I would miss all the things I’m not supposed to miss about the modern world. Starbucks. Playing around on my phone. Riding on a crowded bus. The gentrified downtown of my city. Truth is, I actually love working my comfy cubicle job and eating artificially colored snacks from the vending machine.
Right, if only I could learn to let go of all that stuff, I would find that there is a magical, natural lifestyle waiting for me of running barefoot in the grass, baking my own bread made from my own grain, which I would be able to eat in the log cabin I built myself. I refuse to learn that lesson. Why? Because I’m happy right now, in this messy, cluttered, imperfect world. I get the feeling that a lot of the preppers are secretly hoping for a catastrophe, because there is something missing in their lives (maybe excitement?). I also hope that they do find what they’re searching for…but without the rest of us having to go down in flames in the process.
So in short, if the zombie apocalypse ever does come, feel free to throw me off the back of the truck as bait. No, really. I’m okay with not continuing my existence at that point.
Knowing my luck, though, I will end up very much alive and stuck in some happy clappy farming commune. I’ll be easy to spot–I’ll be the one sneaking away from the fields with a beer, desperately trying to find a wi-fi signal.
Note: For any of my readers willing to torture themselves, the prepper novel is titled A Great State and written by Shelby Gallagher. It’s part of a trilogy, but I don’t think I’ll be able to stomach the other two parts.
11/01/2019 at 5:09 pm
Okay… I might actually try reading this book. It might be… fun to write the review. 🙂
11/01/2019 at 9:09 pm
Ha! Please let me know if you do write it, I’m sure it would be hilarious, especially for someone who’s also read the book. I have to warn you, though, it really is terrible writing. Sometimes so terrible it’s funny, but still terrible.
11/01/2019 at 6:09 pm
Oh mercy! Thanks for taking one for the team. Life’s too short to read bad books. 😉
11/01/2019 at 9:06 pm
This is true, but as I’m sure you can tell, I’m forever obsessed with weird and extreme political ideologies. So this one was right up my alley. Still terrible, though.
11/02/2019 at 4:34 am
I read a novel many years ago about a successful coup that installed a Russian backed government in the US. I tried to reread it, but now I realize it has a very anti-liberal viewpoint. Couldn’t get into it.
11/02/2019 at 11:41 am
I’ve read books like that too, where halfway through I suddenly realize “hey, this has a political agenda I completely disagree with.” At least this recent one was very, very honest and obvious about its point of view.
11/02/2019 at 12:35 pm
Was it young adult fiction or geared to an older audience?
11/02/2019 at 1:07 pm
It was geared to an adult audience, specifically women. It was written by a female author and was meant to make prepping attractive and accessible for women 🙂
11/02/2019 at 3:26 pm
I know that’s not the world I’d want to live in.
11/03/2019 at 10:46 am
Nope, me neither. These people get turned on by the idea of apocalypse and societal collapse in a way that I just don’t understand.
11/03/2019 at 11:34 am
I believe it’s because they think they’re alphas and will not only survive, but eventually dominate. I’m not made for a dog eat dog world.
11/06/2019 at 7:27 pm
Same here! I agree, that is part of their fantasy.
11/02/2019 at 4:41 am
You’re reading these things so we don’t have to. That’s called public service! – Marty
11/02/2019 at 11:41 am
Yep, that’s me…all about the selflessness 🙂 Thanks for visiting!
02/29/2020 at 5:24 am
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